Courtesy of a contest through Relish Magazine, I won just about everything my kitchen was missing: a microplane zester, a new bakeware set, a new ginormous crock pot, a Le Creuset French Oven and...a KITCHENAID STAND MIXER!
Back to my fully stocked kitchen--
If you have a mixer and enjoy cooking, you will completely understand the rest of this post. If not, well, I kind of feel sorry for you. This mixer has filled a void in my life I never knew existed. It's also stirred up a little panic: now that I'm back on the whole eating to live and not living to eat bandwagon, am I only going to make granola and bran muffins with this glorious machine? Am I never going to be able to experience the joys of the many attachments like the pasta maker or the ice cream maker?
Hell no!
If I am ever going to succeed PERMANENTLY in weight loss and healthy living, I need to figure out a way to embrace my omnivorous constitution. (Can you tell I'm reading Michael Pollen's books right now?) Seriously though...I have tried to deprive myself of sweets, fats, carbs and whatever else has been temporarily relegated to "it'll make you fat and kill you" status by the brilliant diet industry scientists; scientists who know surprisingly little about the complexity of food, nutrition and the constant craving that comes from cutting any of it out of your life completely.
Depriving myself (at least drastically) has never worked long-term - not for me. It's always resulted in me giving up out of frustration and the fear that I will have to shun some of my favorite flavors and textures for the rest of my life in order to be thin. On top of that, I think it propagates the notion that to be overweight is something for which you must be punished. As if looking into the mirror wasn't punishment enough. Society needs to get the hell over it already.
I'm no dummy. I know that veggies are better for me than poundcake. I know that I have to eat more complex carbs than empty calories. It's not even about sweets and fats versus veggies and lean proteins. I can eat a tomato like an apple and enjoy the hell out of raw spinach too. My problem is the compulsion to eat mass quantities of whatever is most pleasing to my palate at the moment of opportunity - that moment of weakness when I'm feeling down and sad or happy and celebratory. I need to learn to recognize why I'm eating, not just what.
The first step: I made a batch of oatmeal banana cookies on Sunday. I ate six over the course of 36 hours and shared the rest with my boyfriend. I enjoyed the cookies. I enjoyed baking them. I tamped down the compulsion to eat more than I should have and survived. I figured out that I was bored and not hungry at some points when I felt the pull towards the cookie jar. I then got up and found something to do that didn't involve eating. This was easy because I wasn't in an extreme state of mental duress...and it's just the sort of training I need for when that feeling comes calling once again.
I've heard of food addictions being compared to alcoholism and drug addictions. I've had heated arguments about why I think this is an oversimplified assessment. You don't need alcohol or heroin to survive. You need food. Maybe not Snickers bars...but an occasional oatmeal cookie to satisfy a sugar craving? There's plenty else in that cookie that will nourish your body. I need to learn to marry nutrition with the joy of cooking, the joy of eating and the guilt that comes from eating anything at all. I can compromise, sure - but all or nothing? F*** that!
Instead of bargaining with myself, depriving myself and dancing around the issues at the root of my over-indulgence and self-mutilation (after all, that's what allowing yourself to become obese is!), I need to learn to peacefully co-exist with food...and with my mixer.
My beautiful and glorious mixer.
