Oh, NOW I remember!

Gotta love the ol selective memory. It seems every time I jump back onto the high protein/lower carb (don't freak out - I'm not going Atkins extreme here) bandwagon, I immediately fall back in love with the rush of ketosis -- so much so that I conveniently forget all of the miserable effing side-effects.

Starting with...constipation.

Yeah, I'm goin' there. Deal with it or move on. Lord knows, I'm not. Oh, you bet that was a pun. I went there again.

Sorry, I'm a little cranky.

As with any dietary adjustment - the body and its, shall we say, functions, also take their sweet time to adjust.

AND I DON'T LIKE IT.

Thing is, if I only just ramped up the exercise a bit more, I'd probably be fine. Historically, I have been.

But, frankly, I don't want to do the 60-90 minutes of heavy cardio 4x per week plus 2 pilates/yoga sessions that I was doing before. It was un-friggin-sustainable --- and when my mind and body had finally hit its limit, I stopped all of it and never really got back on track again for a full year. (See the blog post lapse for proof.)

I also am not a fan of laxatives because, for starters, your body becomes dependent upon them and I really don't feel like popping Miralax for the rest of my natural born life.

So, for as great as I feel and for as much weight and as many inches as I am losing...the balance still isn't quite there.

Frankly, the only diet plan I was ever on that had me feeling equal parts energized and regular was the vegan plan...and, damn it, I don't want to give up sushi or steak again ever. Cutting down is all I can reasonably stand. (Oh, and bacon. I'd be a goner without the occasional piece of bacon - even turkey bacon!)

I guess it's off to rejigger this whole plan again. Up the cardio a bit more and up the complex carbs and fiber (even though - honestly - I am taking in at least 25g and upwards of 30g of fiber per day!). Need to pull back on the dairy, too. That's not doing me any favors.

Why can't I just find one way of being, stick with it and move on? Because I bore too easily, that's why! Ergh.

Oops! [I Did It Again]

So, yeah, it's been...a while...and a lot of pounds, up and down, ups and downs in general, yeah. So, yeeeeah.

The good news: I didn't gain it ALL back.

The honest news: I damn near did.

The better news: I've already lost 34 of it again.

I'm working out and eating clean and not beating myself up too much about it. Everyone has their fair share of issues - and I much prefer my brand to some of the others I've been exposed to of late.

Bought an exercise bike, too. I find it to be about as good an "I don't wanna" buster as it gets. I mean...you're working out while sitting on your ass in front of the tv, if you're really smart. What's that little lazy voice in the back of my head? Yeah, I didn't think so.

One thing I know that DOES work for me - a ticking clock. Losing for our wedding in '12 (and the photos) was about as big a motivator as it gets. This time around, I've set up a few more.

The first - and the reason for the 50 I hope to have gone by the time we leave - is a cross-country train, plan and automobile trip in mid-April. Amtrak's Cali Zephyr to San Fran, a few days in the Bay City and then off to Vegas for a Megadeth Motorhead one night only show. Can't. Friggin. Wait. Of course, being less gigundo-huge will make travel a heck of a lot easier - and meeting my husband's super cool cousins while out there and possibly meeting up with some in his family who last saw me skinnier is an even bigger mental nudge.

The next - another trip later in the year to Cancun - so, bathing suit...yipe!

The third - and most exciting - is that I'm going to be an aunt again! And, like the wedding, there will be lots of pictures of my holding my new "niecephew". I fully intend to look fabulous in them...even though I'll be the only one looking at ME in the damn shots. Why are all fatties (and former fatties) such narcissists? Jeez.

Now that I've confessed to being a dope and allowing myself to fall down the carbolicious rabbit-hole again...I feel better. Kinda. Well, at least I'm motivated!

So, it's 63 down. %$&* left to re-lose...and then we shall see what more I'm willing to do (if anything) beyond that.

Holding Steady ... ?

Well, the good news is, I haven't gained. I've been fairly good about my diet but not so much with the exercise this past month. Intermittent at best.

But I DID work out today - and that's a start. I've also been getting plenty of activity in with housework, since Spring has sprung and there is much to be done. So much.

Work is also going like gangbusters. Plenty of great new clients and steady work from long established ones. I'm so busy it's pretty remarkable.

Just need to hold myself accountable with the exercise. I can't lose weight or really hope to keep what I have lost off without out in the mix.

This coming week's goal is for four - that's it - four workouts. I think that's more than doable and it should shake up my psyche and metabolism just enough to push me ahead.

Seeing as I'll be in Paris in just 41 days...I had better lose a few pounds just to make room for the inevitable one's I'll be gaining in butter and fat! London right after that...bangers. mash. beer. Back to Paris for more rich decadence...and then back home (after days before/after in Montreal, where more fat and butter will be consumed). Then, the reality of my brother's wedding just a month later will set in - and I'll probably wind up on Medifast again as a penance.

Oh, the cycle. The endless cycle. That reminds me, I need to save for a cycle. Sigh.

Back In The Game

So, clearly the Medifast/wheat detox was in order. It's only been five days and already I'm down more than 10 pounds...and it's that time of the month...so, lord knows how much water I haven't let go of yet.

This is going to be a short stint on the 'ol Medifast. For starters, I don't need it long term. My weight loss goals aren't as monumental and the timeline isn't so abbreviated with a wedding looming overhead. Actually, there IS a wedding...my little brother's is a week after our 1-year anniv. in July...but I'm not the belle of THAT ball. Besides, I'll be back at my fighting weight by then for sure.

The other reason I don't want to be on Medifast for too long? Food. I like it. I like eating it, cooking it, figuring out what's on the menu for the week to come, etc. I have been eating healthier overall - well, HAD been - until I let the move be an excuse to fall into some bad old habits. That said, even then, I was still making homemade hummus, eating tons of veggie burgers and cooking with less oil, fat and sugar. It's just that when I cheated, it was spectacular. LOL! And, I was drinking too much beer and eating too many wheaty carbs. It all just added up to bloat, lethargy, etc.

My biggest problem is working out - I need to really get into a groove there. I am not going back to the 90 minute workouts per day. Sure, I felt awesome, looked awesome and it was satisfying as hell to accomplish...but looking out into the long-term horizon, I know it's unsustainable. I need to commit to 4-5 workouts per week. Some heavy. Some not so heavy. Just some kind of activity on work days and, on top of that, just getting out of the house on weekends. That along is activity enough.

All in all, I am feeling good, feeling in control and definitely back on the path. I am also counting down the days til this "fast" is over -- 2/23! We go to Hilton Head and relax, eat lots of non-fried seafood (best sushi ever!!!) and ride bikes on the beach. WOOHOO!

Aaaand, I Fell

Yeah, 111 isn't quite 150. But this sure as hell isn't a starting point. I'm still 111 pounds skinnier than I was at my worst and my clothes still fit  - well, mostly. So, I enjoyed the first few months of marital bliss a bit more than I should have. So friggin what?

I'm not so pissed about the diet piece of it - since I really wasn't that bad. I'm just annoyed at myself for falling out of the regular workout routine. I was going along so well there for so long. But, then, we went on our honeymoon and I relaxed...and forgot how great it was to just sit on your ass for days on end. And then - THEN - we up and buy a house. Yeah, that took precedence over anything and everything and while it did involve relentless activity, it wasn't in any way regimented, I fell out of my routine and once we were in the house, I had lost my drive altogether.

So, now that we're settled and my butt has settled too - ugh - it's time to get back on the damn wagon, create new great habits and new routines in this wonderful new home and just get moving already. It's going to be weird to establish new workout areas - to figure out where the best spots are for yoga and pilates, to decide whether I like the idea of the basement workout room or if it's really just an overpriced pipe dream and to just stick with it.

Today, I'm going to try my favorite Ellen Barrett routine in the living room. The sun is pouring in through the windows and I'm going to hit publish and finally get off of my ass and get my energy and my ass back!

Happy New Year!

I'm Slipping

It's been a month since I've blogged. Yeesh! It also feels like it's been a month since I've been in a real routine. Double yeesh!!

I am still eating pretty clean and healthy though - at least during the week - so that's something. Hell, even when we go out to our favorite 'cheat' spot on the weekends, I order a friggin veggie burger. I'm such a rebel.

What I'm not doing nearly enough of is working out - at least not in the traditional sense. I have been getting a lot of activity in though, since we just BOUGHT A FRIGGIN' HOUSE!

Packing is definitely a big energy spender - no doubt. However, judging by my steadily declining sleep patterns and my progressively more jiggly abs...it's not as great a workout as I need it to be.

Bleh. There is just something about this transitional time of year that always F's with me too. Less sun and heat leads to this natural inclination towards lethargy. Add to that the stress that goes hand in hand with buying a first house, and it's a miracle I haven't gained metric tons of weight back.

That's one great thing in all of this - I am NOT gaining. That said, I am obviously losing muscle tone and that's inevitably turning right back into fat. So...I have to get back into a routine.

The plan is to work out three days this week and ramp it up to four next week. If I can manage four per week into the foreseeable future with all that's going on, I'm calling it a win. Honestly, I just want to maintain for a while anyway -- so this will probably be enough.

But I HAVE to get those workouts in...or else this is all going to shit! So, off to roll out the yoga mat I go.

There Will Always Be 'Fat Days'

Last week was another plateau weight-wise, although I did continue to lose inches and I ate right and exercised like my life depended on it.

However...

I accidentally - or absentmindedly - sabotaged myself by over-consuming a lot of extra wheat. I'm not completely allergic, but I am very sensitive and can only tolerate a nominal amount in my diet. Turns out, a cereal Gabe bought that was labeled as an 'oat' cereal also contained metric butt-tons of wheat. (Dumbass me didn't even bother to read the label - something I usually do!) Add to that the soy sauce I had with a few dinners and the Morningstar Farms Chik'n Patties I had with a few lunches (both of which are hidden wheat sources) and my internal ecosystem went kablooey! At first, I had no idea what had happened to me - and then, after a second day of it, I went all Perry Mason and was horrified at how blind I was to what I was actually eating. 

Ugh.

So, for about five straight days, I've been varying degrees of bloated, fatigued and bleh. Even though I haven't gained a single ounce - and have likely even lost weight once all of this excess water finds its way out of me - I feel so fat, so ugly, so out of shape and so gross. Oh, and it did a number on my skin too. Yay.  

What's really weird is that - even though I'm technically smaller - when I feel like this in my head, what I see in the mirror reflects more of what I'm feeling than actual reality. I'm looking at the same body, only I see a much fatter me. Every imperfection has a spotlight on it and I feel like total crap about myself. 

Fortunately, I have 143 pounds of loss to shore me up and I have been able to rationalize my brain out of the self-loathing vortex (for the most part). I also find that once I've worked out - so long as it's a good session - I feel a lot better psychologically and am less apt to look into the mirror with cellulite-colored glasses. 

I guess there will always be 'fat days', no matter how far down the scale I slide! At least I have plenty of experience in dealing with them and now, I have a closet full of considerably smaller clothing to remind me that it's all in my friggin' head. 

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

Who's the fattest of them all?

I am extremely frustrated. Beyond. I don't even know where to begin with this post. Oh, I know.

I've been at this for 17 months and have lost just 60 pounds.

There, I said it. I am a horribly ungrateful human being with unrealistic expectations and little to no patience to speak of.

Still, seriously...minus a few months last winter where I admittedly fell off of the wagon and gained a few pounds (not that many though, I think it was 8 altogether), I've been a good weight loss warrior. Over the past few months, I have been extremely diligent about tracking calories, working out and all the rest.

In fact, I work out, on average, at least an hour a day, 5-6x per week. For at least three of those days over the past month, I've been working out 2x a day and over 90 minutes a day.

So, imagine my frustration when the scale doesn't in any way reflect all of this hard work. My energy reflects it. My clothes are definitely starting to fit better - but they're still my fat clothes. (I have at least four sets of fat clothes to get through before this is all said and done.)

Speaking of reflections...

One of the things that really set me back psychologically happened this weekend. I stayed at a family friends' home downstate and was introduced to a new and more truthful set of mirrors. Is it just me, or do we know exactly how to stand in front of the mirrors we have in our own homes for maximum effect? And, by maximum effect, I mean minimal truth? Well, these new mirrors - wall to wall in one of the bathrooms no less - also featured an abundance of truth-telling natural sunlight. Ugh. I can't even describe the image that stood before me. It was like I was looking at someone else.

I had no idea how I looked. How I REALLY looked.

Of course, this is just one mirror and I was probably standing two feet away from myself, completely exposed. Maybe how I look is somewhere in between my sandwich board mirror and this evil mirror on the wall. It's not as though I look skinny in my home mirror! Far from it. Still, I swear, you'd never know...or if I'd been struck with amnesia at that very moment, I'd never know...that this was 60 pounds and hundreds of hours of working out later. Thousands of salads, hundreds of smoothies, and tens of thousands of squashed temptations later.

I think it's time I faced the fact that there's more going on with me than just the fact that I got fat; that I am fat. I am being completely honest with myself and all of you when I say that I am doing things right. I have my days where I cheat, but I also make sure those days come after a really good workout so it's a wash. And, I don't have many of those days at all. I'd venture a guess that they're about 30/365. Seriously.

So, if I were to put a mirror up to this situation, I think it's fair to say that there's more going on with my body beyond the bulge. I've discovered that I'm sensitive to gluten - something that's only come to light as I've started shrinking my fat cells and releasing the trapped toxins into my body (or so I'm guessing). I'm lactose intolerant all of a sudden - but that's probably just developed over time. I gain five pounds if I even think about eating something decadent - well, not really - but those cheat days I mentioned can set me back weeks.

Adding all of these things up leads me to believe that my thyroid is not at all normal. That's a medical issue and it's not the least bit surprising considering my family history. Sigh. I really don't want to start going down that road...a road of even more "you can'ts" and "you shouldn'ts" on top of tests, drugs and more problems caused by the drugs. There's always homeopathy...and I'm more inclined to go down that path first...but I'm seriously conflicted.

Would love some completely biased and opinionated thoughts on the subject. ;-)

My Uterus Moved The Goalpost (And Other Musings)

Not only was I on a roll and one pound away from a 60 pound weight loss, I was feeling damn good. Then, blammo! My monthly pal comes in and knocks my goal back 3 more pounds.

What a bitch!

Oh well. It is what it is and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. Plus, had it not shown up, I'd be gaining weight for a whole 'nother reason.

I'm also seriously considering adding another workout to my daily regimen. I feel like I can do it, but I'm going back and forth on whether or not I should. The fact of the matter is, I still have over 100 pounds to lose and I really loathe the idea of spending the next year doing it. As it stands right now, I run calorie deficits that should pull me down 2-4 pounds every week. Doubling the workouts could theoretically double the weight loss. (I say "theoretically" because the math is only part of the wacky equation.)

On the other hand, if I do too much too quickly, I'll probably wind up needing skin removal surgery! I'm lucky in that I really do carry my weight well and I'm still really young and take great care of my skin so it's pretty elastic. After the 60 pounds and crazy amount of inches I've already lost, nothing is just "hanging" around - it's sprung back just fine. The idea of wearing old and empty skin like an outfit you've since shrunk out of...kind of skeeves me right the hell out.

Of course, there's the other "what's the rush?" argument -- and that's the simple fact that what I'm doing now is what I will be doing for the rest of my life. Eating clean. Working out. Sleep. Repeat. My body will get to where it's going so long as I stay pointed in this direction.

Still, I just want to BE there already. Ask anyone that knows me well, and this impatience is anything but surprising.

I'll let you know what I decide. Would love insights and opinions!

Ok, I Lied!

I had every intention of making it until this Friday before weighing myself again - for the first time in 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I caved and weighed in today and guess what?

I'm up a half pound.

What the fuck?! Sorry - I know - LANGUAGE - but SERIOUSLY! I wasn't expecting to have lost a ton of weight, but I'm looking and feeling better and my clothes are fitting better...oh! and I've been working out like it's my job for just over a month. I've also been eating very clean, very nutritious meals. So come on now!!! What gives?

I know muscle weighs more than fat and I know I've gained a good amount of muscle with all of the biking, walking, stretching, skiing, lifting, huffing and puffing I've been putting in. I also know to eat enough on a daily basis so that I'm not putting my body into starvation mode. I count calories (in with food and out with exercise) religiously and monitor my intake of all of the vital vitamins and minerals.

I know I can lose weight because I have lost weight. Lots of it. Still, why the extremely slow re-start? My body should be responding, no?

I think I need to try this whole not weighing myself thing for another two weeks. If I still don't see any results, I'm going to have to see a doctor. Maybe I should be seeing a shrink.

Oh well - time to work out! Btw, did you know that Crunch Gym has a whole lot of vids on the Netflix server that you can watch instantly on your computer or video game console? I think I'm going to try to samba today. Maybe that will knock some of the fat off of my bones!