Suck It In!

So, I started doing the silliest thing last week (well, I thought it was silly at the time) and, um, it's totally working!

I have a to-do list on my work computer that's always displayed on the left hand side of my monitor. I wrote "suck it in" in big bold letters at the top of the list to serve as a visual reminder to sit up straight and pull in my abs.

Let's face it, not every day is going to involve ab toning exercises - either because of the "I don't wannas" or because there's no time.

Well, my posture has already improved and my waistline has already come in an inch! Sure, some of that can easily be attributed to weight loss and general exercise, but since most of my losses at the waist are about .5 inches per week...hmmmm.

I remember reading somewhere that for every ten seconds you "suck it in", you get the equivalent of 1 sit-up. It would appear there's something to this!

And, the more I am reminded to "suck it in" at work, I find I'm more compelled to do it while walking around the house and sitting in front of the tv. Being more conscious of my posture feels really good!

Oops! [I Did It Again]

So, yeah, it's been...a while...and a lot of pounds, up and down, ups and downs in general, yeah. So, yeeeeah.

The good news: I didn't gain it ALL back.

The honest news: I damn near did.

The better news: I've already lost 34 of it again.

I'm working out and eating clean and not beating myself up too much about it. Everyone has their fair share of issues - and I much prefer my brand to some of the others I've been exposed to of late.

Bought an exercise bike, too. I find it to be about as good an "I don't wanna" buster as it gets. I mean...you're working out while sitting on your ass in front of the tv, if you're really smart. What's that little lazy voice in the back of my head? Yeah, I didn't think so.

One thing I know that DOES work for me - a ticking clock. Losing for our wedding in '12 (and the photos) was about as big a motivator as it gets. This time around, I've set up a few more.

The first - and the reason for the 50 I hope to have gone by the time we leave - is a cross-country train, plan and automobile trip in mid-April. Amtrak's Cali Zephyr to San Fran, a few days in the Bay City and then off to Vegas for a Megadeth Motorhead one night only show. Can't. Friggin. Wait. Of course, being less gigundo-huge will make travel a heck of a lot easier - and meeting my husband's super cool cousins while out there and possibly meeting up with some in his family who last saw me skinnier is an even bigger mental nudge.

The next - another trip later in the year to Cancun - so, bathing suit...yipe!

The third - and most exciting - is that I'm going to be an aunt again! And, like the wedding, there will be lots of pictures of my holding my new "niecephew". I fully intend to look fabulous in them...even though I'll be the only one looking at ME in the damn shots. Why are all fatties (and former fatties) such narcissists? Jeez.

Now that I've confessed to being a dope and allowing myself to fall down the carbolicious rabbit-hole again...I feel better. Kinda. Well, at least I'm motivated!

So, it's 63 down. %$&* left to re-lose...and then we shall see what more I'm willing to do (if anything) beyond that.

Holding Steady ... ?

Well, the good news is, I haven't gained. I've been fairly good about my diet but not so much with the exercise this past month. Intermittent at best.

But I DID work out today - and that's a start. I've also been getting plenty of activity in with housework, since Spring has sprung and there is much to be done. So much.

Work is also going like gangbusters. Plenty of great new clients and steady work from long established ones. I'm so busy it's pretty remarkable.

Just need to hold myself accountable with the exercise. I can't lose weight or really hope to keep what I have lost off without out in the mix.

This coming week's goal is for four - that's it - four workouts. I think that's more than doable and it should shake up my psyche and metabolism just enough to push me ahead.

Seeing as I'll be in Paris in just 41 days...I had better lose a few pounds just to make room for the inevitable one's I'll be gaining in butter and fat! London right after that...bangers. mash. beer. Back to Paris for more rich decadence...and then back home (after days before/after in Montreal, where more fat and butter will be consumed). Then, the reality of my brother's wedding just a month later will set in - and I'll probably wind up on Medifast again as a penance.

Oh, the cycle. The endless cycle. That reminds me, I need to save for a cycle. Sigh.

Back In The Game

So, clearly the Medifast/wheat detox was in order. It's only been five days and already I'm down more than 10 pounds...and it's that time of the month...so, lord knows how much water I haven't let go of yet.

This is going to be a short stint on the 'ol Medifast. For starters, I don't need it long term. My weight loss goals aren't as monumental and the timeline isn't so abbreviated with a wedding looming overhead. Actually, there IS a wedding...my little brother's is a week after our 1-year anniv. in July...but I'm not the belle of THAT ball. Besides, I'll be back at my fighting weight by then for sure.

The other reason I don't want to be on Medifast for too long? Food. I like it. I like eating it, cooking it, figuring out what's on the menu for the week to come, etc. I have been eating healthier overall - well, HAD been - until I let the move be an excuse to fall into some bad old habits. That said, even then, I was still making homemade hummus, eating tons of veggie burgers and cooking with less oil, fat and sugar. It's just that when I cheated, it was spectacular. LOL! And, I was drinking too much beer and eating too many wheaty carbs. It all just added up to bloat, lethargy, etc.

My biggest problem is working out - I need to really get into a groove there. I am not going back to the 90 minute workouts per day. Sure, I felt awesome, looked awesome and it was satisfying as hell to accomplish...but looking out into the long-term horizon, I know it's unsustainable. I need to commit to 4-5 workouts per week. Some heavy. Some not so heavy. Just some kind of activity on work days and, on top of that, just getting out of the house on weekends. That along is activity enough.

All in all, I am feeling good, feeling in control and definitely back on the path. I am also counting down the days til this "fast" is over -- 2/23! We go to Hilton Head and relax, eat lots of non-fried seafood (best sushi ever!!!) and ride bikes on the beach. WOOHOO!

Aaaand, I Fell

Yeah, 111 isn't quite 150. But this sure as hell isn't a starting point. I'm still 111 pounds skinnier than I was at my worst and my clothes still fit  - well, mostly. So, I enjoyed the first few months of marital bliss a bit more than I should have. So friggin what?

I'm not so pissed about the diet piece of it - since I really wasn't that bad. I'm just annoyed at myself for falling out of the regular workout routine. I was going along so well there for so long. But, then, we went on our honeymoon and I relaxed...and forgot how great it was to just sit on your ass for days on end. And then - THEN - we up and buy a house. Yeah, that took precedence over anything and everything and while it did involve relentless activity, it wasn't in any way regimented, I fell out of my routine and once we were in the house, I had lost my drive altogether.

So, now that we're settled and my butt has settled too - ugh - it's time to get back on the damn wagon, create new great habits and new routines in this wonderful new home and just get moving already. It's going to be weird to establish new workout areas - to figure out where the best spots are for yoga and pilates, to decide whether I like the idea of the basement workout room or if it's really just an overpriced pipe dream and to just stick with it.

Today, I'm going to try my favorite Ellen Barrett routine in the living room. The sun is pouring in through the windows and I'm going to hit publish and finally get off of my ass and get my energy and my ass back!

Happy New Year!

I'm Slipping

It's been a month since I've blogged. Yeesh! It also feels like it's been a month since I've been in a real routine. Double yeesh!!

I am still eating pretty clean and healthy though - at least during the week - so that's something. Hell, even when we go out to our favorite 'cheat' spot on the weekends, I order a friggin veggie burger. I'm such a rebel.

What I'm not doing nearly enough of is working out - at least not in the traditional sense. I have been getting a lot of activity in though, since we just BOUGHT A FRIGGIN' HOUSE!

Packing is definitely a big energy spender - no doubt. However, judging by my steadily declining sleep patterns and my progressively more jiggly abs...it's not as great a workout as I need it to be.

Bleh. There is just something about this transitional time of year that always F's with me too. Less sun and heat leads to this natural inclination towards lethargy. Add to that the stress that goes hand in hand with buying a first house, and it's a miracle I haven't gained metric tons of weight back.

That's one great thing in all of this - I am NOT gaining. That said, I am obviously losing muscle tone and that's inevitably turning right back into fat. So...I have to get back into a routine.

The plan is to work out three days this week and ramp it up to four next week. If I can manage four per week into the foreseeable future with all that's going on, I'm calling it a win. Honestly, I just want to maintain for a while anyway -- so this will probably be enough.

But I HAVE to get those workouts in...or else this is all going to shit! So, off to roll out the yoga mat I go.

Measuring Success: Inch By Inch

This morning, I decided to measure myself again. I'm trying to do it every few weeks now, since the toning work I'm doing is really starting to take effect. It also helps to take the edge off of some occasionally disappointing numbers on the scale. I don't think I'll ever be able to shake the unrealistic expectations I have for my weight loss.

So far, I've lost:

• 1.5" from my neck
• 5"from my upper arms
• 2" from my forearms
• 7" from my chest
• 5" from my bust
• 7.25" from my waist
• 9.5" from my saddlebags
• 11" from my belly
• 12.5" from my upper legs
• 6" from my knees
• 2" from my calves

That's 68.75 total inches lost across my body. 6 of those inches were lost last month alone! 

I think it's realistic to think I'm going to look damn good at my wedding in July! Just need to stay in the fight for a few more months...and spend the rest of my life maintaining. 

I. Can. Do. This!

300

Today, I finally said goodbye to a number that I only really started to come to terms with in the past few months. When this whole journey started last winter, I weighed in at an astonishing 365 pounds. 

No, really. 

In fact, I was under the mistaken impression that I weighed considerably less than that for a long time...at least for four to five months after my old scale read E (which is scale code for get the %$&* off of me you heifer!!). This was until I finally sprang for a pricier scale that was able to hold up to 400 pounds of fat-ass. God, I will never forget THAT day. That truth spiraled me into a few months-long depression - and rightly so. I was killing myself unconsciously - and waking up to a fact so terrifying and humiliating is really tough to do. 

Today is another day I'll never forget. I had actually expected to be up a pound or two this morning, but, as is true of the best gifts, this one was a total surprise.

Oh, how I cried! My boyfriend must REALLY think I'm nutzo now. Who celebrates 298 pounds? LOL!

I do, damn it. It has been SUCH a battle to get past 300. And, let me tell you, when you weigh over 300 pounds, every meal you eat also eats away at your soul. When I was at my heaviest and even when I was just on a plateau and worried I'd never see a 2 at the front of my weight ever EVER again, often whenever I'd eat anything, even something good and nourishing, I felt like I was just prolonging my time in purgatory. 

posted without Warner Bros' ok 

And, while I don't have Hottie McManmeat's chiseled abs just yet (not that I ever will), the fight within me has definitely been stoked and I am beyond ready to take the next 100 down! 

So long 300. Bring on the 2's!

My Uterus Moved The Goalpost (And Other Musings)

Not only was I on a roll and one pound away from a 60 pound weight loss, I was feeling damn good. Then, blammo! My monthly pal comes in and knocks my goal back 3 more pounds.

What a bitch!

Oh well. It is what it is and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. Plus, had it not shown up, I'd be gaining weight for a whole 'nother reason.

I'm also seriously considering adding another workout to my daily regimen. I feel like I can do it, but I'm going back and forth on whether or not I should. The fact of the matter is, I still have over 100 pounds to lose and I really loathe the idea of spending the next year doing it. As it stands right now, I run calorie deficits that should pull me down 2-4 pounds every week. Doubling the workouts could theoretically double the weight loss. (I say "theoretically" because the math is only part of the wacky equation.)

On the other hand, if I do too much too quickly, I'll probably wind up needing skin removal surgery! I'm lucky in that I really do carry my weight well and I'm still really young and take great care of my skin so it's pretty elastic. After the 60 pounds and crazy amount of inches I've already lost, nothing is just "hanging" around - it's sprung back just fine. The idea of wearing old and empty skin like an outfit you've since shrunk out of...kind of skeeves me right the hell out.

Of course, there's the other "what's the rush?" argument -- and that's the simple fact that what I'm doing now is what I will be doing for the rest of my life. Eating clean. Working out. Sleep. Repeat. My body will get to where it's going so long as I stay pointed in this direction.

Still, I just want to BE there already. Ask anyone that knows me well, and this impatience is anything but surprising.

I'll let you know what I decide. Would love insights and opinions!

32.75 Inches - The Scale Only Tells Half Of The Story

I used to take my measurements every week. Lately, not so much. For some reason though, I decided that today was as good a day as any to see where I stand.

I'm so glad I did. Considering that the scale ticked slightly upwards in spite of more rigorous workouts - and has since (thankfully) turned back in the other direction again - it's an important bit of perspective.

What I'm doing IS working!! It's not just the way I feel when I wake up in the morning or the way I see myself in the mirror (which we all know can be quirky and downright deluded at times) - I'm tightening, toning and burning.

As of this morning. not only have I lost 55.5 pounds...


I've eliminated 32.75 inches from my body!

Here's how it all shakes out...er, off:

• 1/2 an inch of puffyness around my neck - GONE!
• 3 1/4 inches of upper arm flab - OBLITERATED!
• 2 inches of meat from my forearm - HASTA LA VISTA!
• 4 1/2 inches from my bust and chest - OUTTA HERE!
• 6 3/4 inches from my waist and belly - BURNED!
• 9 inches from my thigh - SENT PACKIN'
• 4 1/2 inches encasing my knee - MELTED AWAY!
• 1 1/4 inches from my calves - CRUSHED!

Clearly, I am a pear shaped gal. If I could have a lower half transplant, I'd seriously consider it. Still, it is very gratifying to see the progress itemized like this. It is taking me so much longer to achieve my goals than I hoped or expected it would, but I am really REALLY getting there.

Still Shrinking

Sorry for the lack of posts, lately. I'm a freelance writer and I've been extremely busy these past few weeks. Considering that it's feast or famine in my line of work, that's not a complaint - just an excuse ;-)

Fortunately, I have been keeping up with the exercise, diet and tracking. I've really noticed some changes today (my clavicle is starting to show again), this week (my arms are looking sleeker), the past few weeks (as Gabe put it: "You went from having a badonk-adonk-adonk-adonk to just a badonk-adonk!" LOL!)

The scale is still messing with me - though, I am happy to say that it's less and less every day. While I am weighing myself periodically, I'm not feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach - even if the numbers don't reflect how hard I've been working or how much better I look. I also haven't taken my measurements in weeks. I'm making a concerted effort to focus less on all of the numbers and more on how I feel and how I look to MYSELF at the moment. When you have as far to go as I do, that mental recalibration seems to be of the utmost importance.

One thing that is incredibly annoying however, is my tummy. I tend to carry a lot of weight in that miserable lower ab area. What's frustrating about this is that as much as my legs, arms, badonk and waist shrink, if I don't target the lower abs, my clothes don't fit that much better. I mean, of course they do fit better...but no matter how much smaller everything else is, you've still gotta zip up the pants and try to minimize the appearance of the tummy with longer shirts and whatnot. Even when I was skinny, this area drove me nuts. While I know it isn't small by any means, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if my mind was actually blowing it out of proportion.

So, while I have been targeting my abs 2-3x/week, and I've been working to burn fat in general all over my body (cause if you're not getting rid of the fat, I've noticed that stronger ab muscles can actually make the belly even more prominent if you're not careful!)...it's just not enough. I also have to work on my posture. Just sitting up and standing up straight minimizes the look of that trouble area.

Another thing I've been doing is "sucking it in" while at work, watching tv, reading, sitting at my desk (yep, I'm doing it now). This too helps with the posture and apparently every ten seconds of suckage counts as a sit-up. Win!

Improving my posture also seems to put the "girls" back to where they belong - well, as much as they can be, now that I'm in my 30s...that should also help to pull the attention away from other less svelte spots too.

All in all, things are still progressing relatively well. I'm in a good headspace at the moment. I'm content and motivated at the same time and - for the first time in who the heck knows how long - I'm not beating myself up about what I haven't managed to accomplish yet. I'll get there if I let myself.

Putting My Scale In Time-Out!

Ugh. Actually, no. Wait. Not ugh! I'm kicking ass. I've been working out like it's my job these past few weeks. I've been eating clean and virtually meat and dairy-less as well. I've been feeling better and kicked what was clearly an emerging sinus infection in record time. Oh yeah, and the snow and ice on the pond out back is just about melted. Woo-hoo!

Still, my scale is a mean and miserable bitch. Up and down and up and down. It's absurd. I've been biking and skiing for 60 minutes 5-6 days a week!!! I've been counting calories and am not over or under-indulging. I look better. Heck, I even have my monthly visitor and am not nearly as bloated as I usually get and not nearly as weepy...though, side note: soy does really mess with your hormones. Helloooo, rice milk!

My friends Theresa and Bridgette have both inspired me to send the scale packing for a few weeks. Bridgette doesn't even own one - can you imagine?!?!?! I don't think I can go THAT far for at least a hundred pounds.

Still, the idea of focusing on feeling good and doing good is far more important than the numbers right now. But, like my last few posts have clearly proven - my subconscious is a major and moody player in this fight. So, I have to figure out a plan that can stick a pin in that part of my mind that's completed fixated on the numbers.

As of today, I vow to take a two week fast from weighing myself. It might sound crazy, but it's going to be hard!!! We have two scales in the house plus a Wii Fit. Shit, I can't use my Wii Fit. Eh, it's my cop-out workout anyway. Guess it's all for the best.

Wish me luck! And damn it, I had better see some movement on April 1st! Ugh. April Fools Day. Geez. Do I know how to time my mind-f**ks or what?

Am I My Own Doppelganger?

I've looked in the mirror and have confirmed that I am indeed the same person. That being said, I have not only managed to work out 6x per week over the past 3 weeks, but over the past few days, I've hit the bike and Nordic Trak for 45+ minutes! Oh! And my 'cheat' for this past week was a total fail. I tried to eat a whole burrito bowl from Chipotle and could only get three-quarters of it down. My bf got Five Guys and as excited as I was to share his fries, they wound up in the trash. I just couldn't do it.

I don't feel deprived at all (yet), though that's probably due in large part to the variety I've built into my diet.

I dunno though, I'm beginning to think that the evil, lethargic and depression-loving me is on sabbatical. Hell, I even got through last week's PMS unscathed.

Stay tuned!

Confessions Of A Lethargic Mind

So...

I haven't worked out in a while. Like a WHILE a while. And it's not from lack of opportunity either. First off, I work at home and can work out pretty much whenever I want because I make my own hours. Second, I have a Wii Fit, a Nordic Track, an exercise bike and an exercise ball with a resistance band. Oh, and the apartment community where we live even has a fully stocked gym that we can access for free!

Unfortunately, if I'm being truly honest, I haven't worked out like I really meant it in months. Sure, I got on the bike and did a little pedaling a few times. I lifted some weights. I did a few sit-ups. But, the regular, daily exercise...hell, I don't think I've really committed to it since before our LAST vacation in late September.

I've been eating well for the most part though. I've been making meals and snacks, eating lots of veggies and fruit and haven't been mindlessly munching away the days like I used to. That's precisely why my weight loss situation is more stagnant than a complete reversal.

Still, without the regular workouts, the weight has been steadily creeping back on.

So, why am I still sitting here? Why am I not working out? It is completely mad! I want to feel better. I want to look better. I'm already sacrificing on my diet (though, I'm so used to it now that it rarely feels like sacrifice unless I have a raging case of PMS). Why in the hell can't I manage 30-45 measly minutes of cardio a day plus a little resistance work here and there?

I know I'm not the only one who's legs turn to lead at the mere thought of exercise! What gets you going when you're stuck in a serious rut? I know that once I've done it for a few days straight that I'll be able to sustain it - at least for a while - but how do I just get UP?!?!?

I feel insane having written this. Completely out of my gourd. But, it's the truth and it's what I'm grappling with. Would love to hear others' perspectives.

Thanks for bearing witness to my wackadooyness!

'The Wagon' Isn't A Trolley...

...so why do I feel I can just keep hopping on and off?

Alas, this is yet another in what I suspect will be a long line of intermittent re-dedication blog posts. Having fallen off of the weight loss wagon yet again to go on a much needed vacation, I'm back to feeling like a jackass for all of the delectable desserts and decadent dinners I inhaled whilst in Hilton Head last week. Honestly though, I wasn't really too bad on the island--it was the road food from the likes of McDonalds, 7-11 and Ruby Tuesdays on the 4 driving days to and from that really did me in. I fell back in love with Combos too. Good God, those things are amazing.



Fortunately, the scale doesn't tell as disastrous a tale as the recesses of my mind have lead my self-esteem to believe. Chew on that sentence for a bit.

Even though I haven't gained nearly as much weight as I feel like I have (or should have), I still feel like an obese orca. I wonder if there is such a thing. And, if I'm being completely honest with myself, even with the starting of this blog and the mantras and affirmations and exercise, I haven't really truly re-dedicated myself to weight loss. If I had, I'd be seeing results instead of stagnation. I'd be feeling more sure of myself and more motivated. I'd be down a pants size (at least) by now.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the changes I have to make (again), the work I have to do (again) and the sacrifices that are necessary to be healthy (have I ever really been healthy?).

With the best and most relaxing vacation of my life now behind me, it's time to get back to reality and back on the shrinking train. Maybe I should stop looking at the scenery and move up to the conductor's car.

Maybe I should find another metaphor. This one is really wearing on me. Suggestions?

Day Two Of The Rest (Of My Life?)

Today, I cycled to the estrogen indulgent brain candy that is General Hospital. After 36 minutes with the tension cranked up, I was done. 6 minutes better than yesterday and 9 minutes from next week's goal. Yippy skippy. Then, I did free weights (arms) for about five more minutes. Stretched a little before and after. Really getting back into the swing! Tomorrow, I'll do abs...heaven help me.

Since the workout wasn't all that interesting, let's talk about the silly little daytime drama. Can I just say, Carly had better check herself! If memory serves, she was quite the skank when she first landed in Port Charles. Her son might be dating a stripper, but at least said stripper isn't trying to boink her step-dad. I'm just sayin. Besides, the stripper is studying to be a paralegal. She's going places!

Anyway, here's to tomorrow! ...and hoping I'm not in this oh-so-familiar headspace:

Pleasantly Plump?

Hardly. But I was pleasantly surprised this morning to learn that I only gained 6 pounds and not the 8 I originally guesstimated yesterday. That's the thing about weighing yourself midway through the day after breakfast and lunch - since your body weight fluctuates as you go through the day, you have to divine the numbers. How divine that I was wrong!

Also, what a difference a day makes in terms of 'tude. I don't know if it's the workout I finally did yesterday, the fact that I allowed myself to sleep a full 8 hours or that the psychological torment of wondering how much weight I've re-gained and if I'd ever get back on the wagon is over - I'm guessing it's all three - but man, I am feeling like a new woman today.

Here's to making the feeling last for more than a day! I think I can. I think I can. I think I need more coffee.