Oops! [I Did It Again]

So, yeah, it's been...a while...and a lot of pounds, up and down, ups and downs in general, yeah. So, yeeeeah.

The good news: I didn't gain it ALL back.

The honest news: I damn near did.

The better news: I've already lost 34 of it again.

I'm working out and eating clean and not beating myself up too much about it. Everyone has their fair share of issues - and I much prefer my brand to some of the others I've been exposed to of late.

Bought an exercise bike, too. I find it to be about as good an "I don't wanna" buster as it gets. I mean...you're working out while sitting on your ass in front of the tv, if you're really smart. What's that little lazy voice in the back of my head? Yeah, I didn't think so.

One thing I know that DOES work for me - a ticking clock. Losing for our wedding in '12 (and the photos) was about as big a motivator as it gets. This time around, I've set up a few more.

The first - and the reason for the 50 I hope to have gone by the time we leave - is a cross-country train, plan and automobile trip in mid-April. Amtrak's Cali Zephyr to San Fran, a few days in the Bay City and then off to Vegas for a Megadeth Motorhead one night only show. Can't. Friggin. Wait. Of course, being less gigundo-huge will make travel a heck of a lot easier - and meeting my husband's super cool cousins while out there and possibly meeting up with some in his family who last saw me skinnier is an even bigger mental nudge.

The next - another trip later in the year to Cancun - so, bathing suit...yipe!

The third - and most exciting - is that I'm going to be an aunt again! And, like the wedding, there will be lots of pictures of my holding my new "niecephew". I fully intend to look fabulous in them...even though I'll be the only one looking at ME in the damn shots. Why are all fatties (and former fatties) such narcissists? Jeez.

Now that I've confessed to being a dope and allowing myself to fall down the carbolicious rabbit-hole again...I feel better. Kinda. Well, at least I'm motivated!

So, it's 63 down. %$&* left to re-lose...and then we shall see what more I'm willing to do (if anything) beyond that.

Holding Steady ... ?

Well, the good news is, I haven't gained. I've been fairly good about my diet but not so much with the exercise this past month. Intermittent at best.

But I DID work out today - and that's a start. I've also been getting plenty of activity in with housework, since Spring has sprung and there is much to be done. So much.

Work is also going like gangbusters. Plenty of great new clients and steady work from long established ones. I'm so busy it's pretty remarkable.

Just need to hold myself accountable with the exercise. I can't lose weight or really hope to keep what I have lost off without out in the mix.

This coming week's goal is for four - that's it - four workouts. I think that's more than doable and it should shake up my psyche and metabolism just enough to push me ahead.

Seeing as I'll be in Paris in just 41 days...I had better lose a few pounds just to make room for the inevitable one's I'll be gaining in butter and fat! London right after that...bangers. mash. beer. Back to Paris for more rich decadence...and then back home (after days before/after in Montreal, where more fat and butter will be consumed). Then, the reality of my brother's wedding just a month later will set in - and I'll probably wind up on Medifast again as a penance.

Oh, the cycle. The endless cycle. That reminds me, I need to save for a cycle. Sigh.

Back In The Game

So, clearly the Medifast/wheat detox was in order. It's only been five days and already I'm down more than 10 pounds...and it's that time of the month...so, lord knows how much water I haven't let go of yet.

This is going to be a short stint on the 'ol Medifast. For starters, I don't need it long term. My weight loss goals aren't as monumental and the timeline isn't so abbreviated with a wedding looming overhead. Actually, there IS a wedding...my little brother's is a week after our 1-year anniv. in July...but I'm not the belle of THAT ball. Besides, I'll be back at my fighting weight by then for sure.

The other reason I don't want to be on Medifast for too long? Food. I like it. I like eating it, cooking it, figuring out what's on the menu for the week to come, etc. I have been eating healthier overall - well, HAD been - until I let the move be an excuse to fall into some bad old habits. That said, even then, I was still making homemade hummus, eating tons of veggie burgers and cooking with less oil, fat and sugar. It's just that when I cheated, it was spectacular. LOL! And, I was drinking too much beer and eating too many wheaty carbs. It all just added up to bloat, lethargy, etc.

My biggest problem is working out - I need to really get into a groove there. I am not going back to the 90 minute workouts per day. Sure, I felt awesome, looked awesome and it was satisfying as hell to accomplish...but looking out into the long-term horizon, I know it's unsustainable. I need to commit to 4-5 workouts per week. Some heavy. Some not so heavy. Just some kind of activity on work days and, on top of that, just getting out of the house on weekends. That along is activity enough.

All in all, I am feeling good, feeling in control and definitely back on the path. I am also counting down the days til this "fast" is over -- 2/23! We go to Hilton Head and relax, eat lots of non-fried seafood (best sushi ever!!!) and ride bikes on the beach. WOOHOO!

Aaaand, I Fell

Yeah, 111 isn't quite 150. But this sure as hell isn't a starting point. I'm still 111 pounds skinnier than I was at my worst and my clothes still fit  - well, mostly. So, I enjoyed the first few months of marital bliss a bit more than I should have. So friggin what?

I'm not so pissed about the diet piece of it - since I really wasn't that bad. I'm just annoyed at myself for falling out of the regular workout routine. I was going along so well there for so long. But, then, we went on our honeymoon and I relaxed...and forgot how great it was to just sit on your ass for days on end. And then - THEN - we up and buy a house. Yeah, that took precedence over anything and everything and while it did involve relentless activity, it wasn't in any way regimented, I fell out of my routine and once we were in the house, I had lost my drive altogether.

So, now that we're settled and my butt has settled too - ugh - it's time to get back on the damn wagon, create new great habits and new routines in this wonderful new home and just get moving already. It's going to be weird to establish new workout areas - to figure out where the best spots are for yoga and pilates, to decide whether I like the idea of the basement workout room or if it's really just an overpriced pipe dream and to just stick with it.

Today, I'm going to try my favorite Ellen Barrett routine in the living room. The sun is pouring in through the windows and I'm going to hit publish and finally get off of my ass and get my energy and my ass back!

Happy New Year!

I'm Slipping

It's been a month since I've blogged. Yeesh! It also feels like it's been a month since I've been in a real routine. Double yeesh!!

I am still eating pretty clean and healthy though - at least during the week - so that's something. Hell, even when we go out to our favorite 'cheat' spot on the weekends, I order a friggin veggie burger. I'm such a rebel.

What I'm not doing nearly enough of is working out - at least not in the traditional sense. I have been getting a lot of activity in though, since we just BOUGHT A FRIGGIN' HOUSE!

Packing is definitely a big energy spender - no doubt. However, judging by my steadily declining sleep patterns and my progressively more jiggly abs...it's not as great a workout as I need it to be.

Bleh. There is just something about this transitional time of year that always F's with me too. Less sun and heat leads to this natural inclination towards lethargy. Add to that the stress that goes hand in hand with buying a first house, and it's a miracle I haven't gained metric tons of weight back.

That's one great thing in all of this - I am NOT gaining. That said, I am obviously losing muscle tone and that's inevitably turning right back into fat. So...I have to get back into a routine.

The plan is to work out three days this week and ramp it up to four next week. If I can manage four per week into the foreseeable future with all that's going on, I'm calling it a win. Honestly, I just want to maintain for a while anyway -- so this will probably be enough.

But I HAVE to get those workouts in...or else this is all going to shit! So, off to roll out the yoga mat I go.

Loving Life...Perhaps A Bit Too Much

So, these four weeks since getting hitched have been great. Wedded bliss and all that - check. No ticking time bomb...er, clock...making me crazy - check.

Only problem is - without the wedding and honeymoon hanging over my head, I've found (inevitably) that working out and eating right isn't as easy a priority to keep as it used to be.

For the most part, I've been a very good girl. I'm still counting calories. I'm still working out.

However, I'm not as motivated.

And, when I cheat - oh, how I cheat! Beer, junk food, monstrous portions. Still, with the exception of some Combos (the Buffalo Chicken flavor is out of this world!) and some Ben & Jerry's (Strawberry Shortcake Greek Yogurt - I split a pint with the hubs), the cheats I've been making have been on days where I've either worked out crazy hard and at least have a hole to pile them in - or - they're in social situations (parties, get-togethers). Social cheats don't freak me out as much because I'm not bringing them into the house and thereby potentially re-integrating them back into my daily lifestyle. They're more of a one-off. There's something about bringing junk into the house for me, however, that's very very dangerous. It's like having a random cigarette at a bar when you're tipsy and the opportunity presents itself versus actually going out, stone cold sober and buying a pack.

I have decided to cool my jets a bit on the working out so damn hard and so damn much. I think I owe it to myself and my psyche. I've also decided that I'm going to try and maintain for a while as opposed to trying to lose more. I just need a break! It's been since November of '09 and the last 7 months involved getting ready for a wedding! The last however-many-pounds will be waiting for me when I'm prepared to take them on.

The problem is, giving myself any sort of a break is a slippery slope. First, I decided that 5x a week working out is fine - so long as only two involve heavy cardio. Now, I'm flirting with the idea of 4 workouts, 2 of which would be heavy cardio. Of course, for every day I take off, that first day back at it is a psychological struggle. My body responds immediately, so I know my fitness isn't suffering -- but boy oh boy, my mind just screams for the couch!

So, how do I stay balanced on this tightrope? Is it crazy of me to think I can hold my hand over the flame like this? Is that really what I'm doing? Am I just being too hard on myself and is this my fear talking?

I've lost most of what I gained on the Honeymoon and am holding steady to boot. It's not like I've gained back 150+ pounds.

Still, I don't feel like I have the handle on things that I once did. So, I'll keep at it til I find a mix that works for me.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue enjoying life as a significantly skinnier woman! And, if that means having a few extra beers and maybe even a slice of pizza here and there, so friggin be it!

Move Over Kashi - There's A New Bar In Town!

One of the more exciting aspects of eating healthier - at least for me - is the opportunity to discover new foods and, more importantly, how to make them as delicious and nutritious as possible. It's also kind of neat to find out that many of the healthy foods I enjoy most aren't nearly as difficult to make as I assumed they were.

Take granola, for example.

Granola bars are absurdly easy to make. What's more, they're ridiculously easy to make even healthier than the uber-healthy ones in your health food aisle at the supermarket.

I've made the stuff so many times now, that I don't even bother with a recipe. I kind of just know what I'm going for. But, here's the recipe I use - it's a modified version of 'Chewy Granola Bars' on AllRecipes.com. Agave is a great natural sweetener (it's from the same plant used to make tequila) and has kind of the same consistency as maple syrup only it's much lower in calories. It also helps to hold everything together. Of course, I use some honey for that granola-y flavor - just a lot less since holy hell it's got a lot of calories in it! I also add the Rice Puff Cereal to make them, well, puffier. It's sort of like a granola bar and a rice crispy treat got it on in your oven. Feel free to skip them and just use all oats if you like a more traditional bar.

Guilt-Free Granola

2 1/2 cups rolled oats
2 cups Organic Puffed Rice Cereal (HFCS-free)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ cup Splenda
2 teaspoons cinnamon
2/3 cup I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light
1 Tbsp Honey
½ Cup Agave Nectar/Syrup

(Feel free to add raisins, craisins, carob, other dried fruits and nuts for your perfect bar)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Spray a rimmed baking sheet (or two, depending on how thick you like your bars) with all-natural non-stick spray. In a large mixing bowl combine the oats, flour, baking soda, cinnamon, rice cereal, agave, honey and Splenda. Stir in any fruits, nuts, etc.

Lightly press mixture into the prepared pan. Bake at 325 degrees F (165 degrees C) for 18 to 22 minutes or until golden brown. Darker color = crunchier bars. Remove from oven and lightly cut ‘guide-lines’ into bars with pizza cutter while still hot. You may need to treat the cutter with non-stick cooking spray. Allow bars to cool in the pan and begin to set for about 10 minutes. Cut again – this time, more thoroughly. Let cool completely. Remove and serve.

Yield: about 3-5 dozen bars (depending on thickness).

'The Wagon' Isn't A Trolley...

...so why do I feel I can just keep hopping on and off?

Alas, this is yet another in what I suspect will be a long line of intermittent re-dedication blog posts. Having fallen off of the weight loss wagon yet again to go on a much needed vacation, I'm back to feeling like a jackass for all of the delectable desserts and decadent dinners I inhaled whilst in Hilton Head last week. Honestly though, I wasn't really too bad on the island--it was the road food from the likes of McDonalds, 7-11 and Ruby Tuesdays on the 4 driving days to and from that really did me in. I fell back in love with Combos too. Good God, those things are amazing.



Fortunately, the scale doesn't tell as disastrous a tale as the recesses of my mind have lead my self-esteem to believe. Chew on that sentence for a bit.

Even though I haven't gained nearly as much weight as I feel like I have (or should have), I still feel like an obese orca. I wonder if there is such a thing. And, if I'm being completely honest with myself, even with the starting of this blog and the mantras and affirmations and exercise, I haven't really truly re-dedicated myself to weight loss. If I had, I'd be seeing results instead of stagnation. I'd be feeling more sure of myself and more motivated. I'd be down a pants size (at least) by now.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the changes I have to make (again), the work I have to do (again) and the sacrifices that are necessary to be healthy (have I ever really been healthy?).

With the best and most relaxing vacation of my life now behind me, it's time to get back to reality and back on the shrinking train. Maybe I should stop looking at the scenery and move up to the conductor's car.

Maybe I should find another metaphor. This one is really wearing on me. Suggestions?

$4,380 dollars saved...and possibly a life.

Two years ago today (just about to the minute), I finally quit smoking. At the time, I was, like many smokers, waiting for motivation, divine intervention and a whole lot of inspiration to finally kick the habit. And, without delving too deep into my political leanings (which veer into the lilly livered 'sphere), for some oddball reason, the emotion, hope and sheer impossibility or President Obama's inauguration compelled me to suck the deliciously painful spectre of death into my lungs for the very last time.

I won't lie and say it was easy. It was so NOT easy. Cold turkey is a bitch. That said, all of the planets did sort of align to allow me to succeed. My stress level was a lot lower thanks to a great relationship and a much easier job situation. My finances were in order for the first time since I was 22 years old. And, boy oh boy, did that extra $180-$200 in my pocket every month make quitting all the more gratifying!

As someone who has always struggled with weight, and as someone who actually took up smoking because I was told it'd help keep me skinny after my first monumental weight loss - the one thing I feared more than anything about quitting was that I'd gain weight. My mother quit smoking about 20 years ago and almost immediately developed fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, incessant allergies and multiple chemical sensitivity. She also gained about 200 pounds. As a nice and ironic counterbalance, my father had recently beaten a smoking related cancer (same kind Michael Douglas had) and he smoked for 30 years before quitting many, many years ago.

I was faced with the ridiculous question of which is worse: being an orca or getting cancer?

Fast-forward to today, and it's abundantly clear the path I've chosen.

Sure, I can breathe easier. I feel better. But I don't look better. What's more, with all that I managed to gain in the past two years, I've increased my risk for a bunch of other cancers, diabetes, heart problems, falling and not being able to get up, etc. Ain't that something?

When I think about what I have accomplished for my health in these past few years - losing a bunch of weight, quitting smoking, eating MUCH healthier food, educating myself on nutrition - I can't wallow too much in self-pity. So long as I continue to allow myself to care about my health, there's no limit to what I can accomplish.

Pleasantly Plump?

Hardly. But I was pleasantly surprised this morning to learn that I only gained 6 pounds and not the 8 I originally guesstimated yesterday. That's the thing about weighing yourself midway through the day after breakfast and lunch - since your body weight fluctuates as you go through the day, you have to divine the numbers. How divine that I was wrong!

Also, what a difference a day makes in terms of 'tude. I don't know if it's the workout I finally did yesterday, the fact that I allowed myself to sleep a full 8 hours or that the psychological torment of wondering how much weight I've re-gained and if I'd ever get back on the wagon is over - I'm guessing it's all three - but man, I am feeling like a new woman today.

Here's to making the feeling last for more than a day! I think I can. I think I can. I think I need more coffee.

Down 42 and Up 8

This is not a blog born out of a New Year's Resolution. I've stopped making those. This is a blog born out of the ownership of a mirror. We'll just leave it at that (for now).

Last year, I dropped 50 pounds. This year, I appear to have gained 8. (I'm sure it wasn't ALL in the 4 and a half days that make up this year, but in the spirit of marking time and seeing as I haven't bothered to weigh myself from late September until today...)

10 years ago I lost 75 pounds, give or take, since I was too poor to own a scale at the time. A year and a job that paid me enough to eat more than two meals a day later, I slowly and steadily began gaining it all back. Three years ago, I lost 40 of those pounds. Two years ago, I gained all of that back. The year before last I quit smoking and started eating. REALLY eating. I also learned that I really love to cook (and enjoy the spoils). By November of 2009 I found myself 185 pounds away from my ideal weight. After freaking out, giving up, getting angry and finally becoming resolved, I started to slowly chip away at that mind-boggling and impossible to truly fathom number.

And by September of 2010, I finally achieved a major milestone - a 50 pound weight loss.

True to form, of course, I slowly slipped into ambivalence, laziness and defiance - yet again.

To say that I was mortified to weigh myself today is an understatement. I expected the tears to flow and the self-loathing to set in. It was like pulling a bandage off of a hairy arm to actually will myself to stand up to/stand on that scale. Then I looked down.

Huh. 8 pounds? That's it?

I can do this.  

The only question left to answer is whether or not I actually will.