Strange Days

I've learned two pretty big things about myself over the past few days.


1. I learned on Saturday night that I've developed a mild sensitivity to wheat.  This is something that, if I'm being completely honest, I've been ignoring for a while. Suffice it to say that after one too many beers, for the once-too-many-eth time, I suffered a relatively sleepless night. At first, I had a mild panic attack (likely due in part to major sleep deprivation), and thought I must have Celiac's or Environmental Illness (like my mom) and that this was all just the beginning of my descent into illness (and, subsequently, madness).

After 10+ hours of sleep, cooler heads prevailed and I've decided that I need to stay away from the grain alcohols and cut down on my intake of wheat (which, I've already done anyway). Life goes on.


2. On Monday I discovered just how emotional an eater I really am. I'm a New Yorker. Not just an Upstate New Yorker, where I was born and bred, but a City gal. After 8 years living and working in Manhattan and Brooklyn, there's just no doubt about that fact. I was there on 9/11. Had a front row seat to the end of the world as I knew it, in fact. And, without getting into the details here because I can't have another day like the last two, when I heard about OBL's demise, I was beyond surprised by my reaction. The first thing I wanted to do was cry, but I was so stunned that I couldn't. I was immediately taken back to that day. The irrational fear and panic pushed forward and I immediately masked it with a tenuous calm. I wanted a cigarette more than I wanted anything else in the world (ironically, I had been quit for 3 months on 9/11 and started up again that day and for every day afterwards until 1/09). And then, all I wanted to do was eat. I also felt anger, sadness, a bit of joy (which I'm still processing) and a whole hell of a lot of pride.

All things considered, I managed to hold off the binge monster until the end of the day when I just couldn't take it anymore. Gabe went out and got me a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and I inhaled half of it. I threw the rest away. I only felt slightly guilty about it, since I had worked out that day - I kind of looked at the whole situation as a wash.

What's more, I was completely conscious about what I was doing and why. Instead of blindly eating and not acknowledging the deeper reasons, I copped to it and said: "I want Doritos. Whenever I used to get really stressed, this is what I'd reach for. I can't handle today and I want them...NOW!"

Sure, I wish I could have fought this need off. In fact, I probably could have. Still, I consider it a major leap forward that I was at least AWARE of why the need was practically pulsating in the front of my mind.

This experience also reminded me of all of the mildly emotional moments I've had prior to this one where I've actually been able to shut it all down. Clearly, this isn't the first bit of stress I've had over the past year +! Of course, it's not going to be the last bit of stress I experience for the rest of my life either. I'll win some and I'll lose some of the battles. But, at least I'm awake and aware.