Loving Life...Perhaps A Bit Too Much

So, these four weeks since getting hitched have been great. Wedded bliss and all that - check. No ticking time bomb...er, clock...making me crazy - check.

Only problem is - without the wedding and honeymoon hanging over my head, I've found (inevitably) that working out and eating right isn't as easy a priority to keep as it used to be.

For the most part, I've been a very good girl. I'm still counting calories. I'm still working out.

However, I'm not as motivated.

And, when I cheat - oh, how I cheat! Beer, junk food, monstrous portions. Still, with the exception of some Combos (the Buffalo Chicken flavor is out of this world!) and some Ben & Jerry's (Strawberry Shortcake Greek Yogurt - I split a pint with the hubs), the cheats I've been making have been on days where I've either worked out crazy hard and at least have a hole to pile them in - or - they're in social situations (parties, get-togethers). Social cheats don't freak me out as much because I'm not bringing them into the house and thereby potentially re-integrating them back into my daily lifestyle. They're more of a one-off. There's something about bringing junk into the house for me, however, that's very very dangerous. It's like having a random cigarette at a bar when you're tipsy and the opportunity presents itself versus actually going out, stone cold sober and buying a pack.

I have decided to cool my jets a bit on the working out so damn hard and so damn much. I think I owe it to myself and my psyche. I've also decided that I'm going to try and maintain for a while as opposed to trying to lose more. I just need a break! It's been since November of '09 and the last 7 months involved getting ready for a wedding! The last however-many-pounds will be waiting for me when I'm prepared to take them on.

The problem is, giving myself any sort of a break is a slippery slope. First, I decided that 5x a week working out is fine - so long as only two involve heavy cardio. Now, I'm flirting with the idea of 4 workouts, 2 of which would be heavy cardio. Of course, for every day I take off, that first day back at it is a psychological struggle. My body responds immediately, so I know my fitness isn't suffering -- but boy oh boy, my mind just screams for the couch!

So, how do I stay balanced on this tightrope? Is it crazy of me to think I can hold my hand over the flame like this? Is that really what I'm doing? Am I just being too hard on myself and is this my fear talking?

I've lost most of what I gained on the Honeymoon and am holding steady to boot. It's not like I've gained back 150+ pounds.

Still, I don't feel like I have the handle on things that I once did. So, I'll keep at it til I find a mix that works for me.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue enjoying life as a significantly skinnier woman! And, if that means having a few extra beers and maybe even a slice of pizza here and there, so friggin be it!

Up 14 & A Ring

So, as you've all likely assumed from the blog radio silence of late, I did, indeed, go through with the whole marriage thing. Just a little over a week in and I'm loving it.

And, wow - the honeymoon! We ate and drank our way through Excellence Playa Mujeres in Mexico! So much so that you'd think I hadn't eaten in months...oh, wait.

So, now I'm up 14 pounds. When we first got back on Saturday, I was up 20...so, 14 is a gift. It also tells me that it's more water (add in my monthly friend that was here to greet me when I got home) than it is actual weight gain. By my guesstimation, the lack of working out plus the alcohol and overeating probably gave me a real five pound setback. I mean, hell, our wedding feast alone was enough to feed all of the food insecure families in the entire Tri-State area (God, I feel gross for having said that...even worse for the fact that it's completely and totally true).

But...screw it. Every morsel was worth it and I'm already back on the wagon. Did 60 of heavy cardio today and am back to counting calories. No more rest for me, since A.) I clearly am never going to be "out of the woods" when it comes to my weight and B.) I do still have a good amount of weight left to lose. In fact, after seeing the wedding photos, as happy as I am for getting to where I am...I am also rethinking where I want to wind up/down. I think I can (and should) go even farther than I initially planned. Not sure yet - but I really think it's necessary and more importantly, realistic. We'll see.

For now though, I'm just going to revel in the 151 pounds of weight loss I achieved before the "big day" and how wonderful it felt to be able to look the way that I did. I felt like me and I looked like me. Better still, I married the love of my life. You can lose all of the weight in the world and look your best, but you can't fake the look and feel of happiness. Want proof? Here it is.

I Love New York ... Again

When I left New York for a better and simpler life four years ago, I was fat (and I hadn't even gained my last 85 pounds yet), out of shape, a pack a day smoker and in complete denial about all of it.

To say I am a wholly different person today is an understatement...and how I feel when I'm there is too.

When I left, I was done being who I was. I blamed the city for getting me to that low, but it was me who allowed "the city" to take its toll. I allowed work to take precedence over my health. I allowed my laziness to supersede all else. I allowed myself to come last. I let my personal life fall to pieces. I did this.

There are as many lifestyle choices in New York as there are neighborhoods. I chose what I chose, the stereotypical television production behind-the-scenes slob approach, but I could have easily have chosen to do the whole vegan/Bikram/farmer's market/bike lane approach, too. I probably would choose some of that now...and it makes me wonder...not with an ounce of regret, mind you, but wonder...

This weekend, Gabe and I went down to the city for what we called his "Groom's Gift Weekend". We stayed in Midtown (for shame! I know, I know...but we got a great deal on a hotel and it was close to the 7 train) and went to a Mets/Yankees Subway Series game at Citi Field. We ate, we walked, we walked some more and we ate. It was glorious and fun -- and a little bittersweet.

I like New York when I'm feeling good. I wish I had more years there when I did. I wish I had spent less money getting myself fat and more on having fun. (Actually, I wish I'd saved more money...but who doesn't look back on their 20's and say that?) Walking from 40th and 5th to Columbus Circle, through the Park and back was easy and fun. Walking up and down countless subway steps didn't leave me huffing and puffing for breath. Walking every inch of Citi Field was awesome...especially after stopping over at Shake Shack and blowing my diet for the day. I felt alive and invigorated, clear-headed and open to the city like I had back in 2000 when I first moved there and lost a gaggle of weight.

Again, I have no regrets -- all roads I chose led me to where I am now and I am stronger, better and happier for it. Still, I do wonder what my life in New York could have been like had I not chosen Haagen Dasz over a NYSC membership, or a nightly 3-6 Stella Artois over a single Skinny Girl Margarita. There's no doing it over again and there's no use in going down that mental rabbit hole, but I am grateful to have had this past weekend to remind me in a very real way of how far I have come and how far I have to fall should I ever lose my way again.