Impatient and Retaining Water

I'm down 135. I have just 45 to go. Oh, and it's just 73 days til my wedding.

I've already realized - and I really, really mean it - that I'm not going to make it to my goal weight by July 14th. I never started this whole journey with even the dream of a wedding at the end of it - my universe has just oddly aligned itself that way.

However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't desperate to be down under 200 pounds by then...and until the past few weeks of slowed losses, I thought that was even achievable. Now, with just 30.1 pounds away from technically meeting that goal...and with just 73 days between then and now...I honestly don't know what I'll weigh and I'm trying to accept that reality.

Fat chance of that happening!

Of course, if I use the rational part of my brain, I know that the reason for my slower weight loss has been the return of my monthly visitor. It's the reason I plateau every month. Still, for as many months as I've been working at this, nothing, not even rational thinking, seems to override the hormone-fueled emotional reaction to seeing my scale at a dead stop.

There is a double-edge sword to this ticking clock business. Knowing that my wedding is coming up helps to keep me more accountable. However, knowing that my wedding is coming up also stokes the wildfire of obsessive compulsion.

To say that I am completely fixated on my working out, calorie counting and weight loss is an understatement. Here are just a few examples of the thoughts constantly swirling around in my mind:

"How is my left arm going to look in pictures?" (There's this little fold in it that developed when I gained weight the last time - a fold I didn't have the last time I weighed what I do now - and I am completely terrified that it will never go away, no matter how much fat I lose and how much muscle I build underneath).

"Will I find a dress that fits me?" (I know I'll find one...but will I be a size 16, a 14, a 12? Will I have to wait until the very last minute to shop for a dress or will my body stop majorly shrinking at some point and just start toning and smoothing itself out? GAH!)

"Will I be able to wear a shorter cocktail dress or will my legs still look like tree trunks?"

"Will my double chin resurface and make me look like a cow in pictures?"

"Will everyone marvel at my weight loss at the wedding or will no one notice at all?"

"What in the hell will I look like in a bathing suit?"

"Will I feel confident enough to wear a bathing suit on our honeymoon or will I hide under a friggin cover-up the whole time?"

Yeah...and these are just the most common ones. Thank goodness we're having a small wedding that was easy to plan...cause if I had to toss a bridezilla on top of this weight-loss-zilla, I think I'd have to be on meds!

I know all of this is nuts. Totally nuts. I'm also incredibly proud of myself. I've lost 135 pounds! It's incredible! I also know I'll look great on my wedding day. I know I'll be the happiest woman in the world that day, too - I am marrying the love of my life, after all. But - I'll be so relieved when it's all over and I can go back to normal life...and only have the last however-many-pounds to obsess about!