Photographic Memory

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

365 pounds. November 2009.

 325 pounds. October 2010.

 

 306 pounds. June 2011.

291 pounds. Today.

Bring on tomorrow!  ...and I vow to wear makeup in the final after. LOL!

So Long, Front Butt!

First off, sorry it's been over a month since my last post. For some reason, I just haven't been compelled to write about weight loss all that much. I'm motivated, feeling good, seeing results (at least in the mirror - not that much on the scale) and I guess when I'm either not seeing huge milestones come and go or when I'm not feeling extremely angry and frustrated...I have precious little to say.

Still, today featured a nice little moment for me. You see, I'm one of the bazillion fat chicks in American suffering from front butt. If you don't know what front butt is, you probably don't have one. According to the Urban Dictionary, front butt is defined as:

"(noun) An enormous, fatty enlargment of the abdomen, genital, and thigh region that morphs together to create the appearance of a bulbous ass on a persons front."

And that's the cleanest definition I could find.

Well, I'm happy to report that after 1,276,836 situps, crunches, ab twists and who the hell knows what else, my front butt is less Kardashian and more Li-Lo. It's not gone yet, but thanks to rigorous pilates style ab workouts, it's well on its way.

By the way, speaking of ab workouts - if you're a Time Warner Cable subscriber (and, this is about the only perk of the service), check out their free workouts on demand. Just go to sports on demand and select fitness...and there they are. My current self-abuse of choice is the Pilates Abs workout. 10 minutes of pure hell...but totally worth it! Here's a link to a preview - don't pay for them here - get them for free from your cable box!

http://www.exercisetv.tv/store/p-1646-pilates-abs.aspx

300

Today, I finally said goodbye to a number that I only really started to come to terms with in the past few months. When this whole journey started last winter, I weighed in at an astonishing 365 pounds. 

No, really. 

In fact, I was under the mistaken impression that I weighed considerably less than that for a long time...at least for four to five months after my old scale read E (which is scale code for get the %$&* off of me you heifer!!). This was until I finally sprang for a pricier scale that was able to hold up to 400 pounds of fat-ass. God, I will never forget THAT day. That truth spiraled me into a few months-long depression - and rightly so. I was killing myself unconsciously - and waking up to a fact so terrifying and humiliating is really tough to do. 

Today is another day I'll never forget. I had actually expected to be up a pound or two this morning, but, as is true of the best gifts, this one was a total surprise.

Oh, how I cried! My boyfriend must REALLY think I'm nutzo now. Who celebrates 298 pounds? LOL!

I do, damn it. It has been SUCH a battle to get past 300. And, let me tell you, when you weigh over 300 pounds, every meal you eat also eats away at your soul. When I was at my heaviest and even when I was just on a plateau and worried I'd never see a 2 at the front of my weight ever EVER again, often whenever I'd eat anything, even something good and nourishing, I felt like I was just prolonging my time in purgatory. 

posted without Warner Bros' ok 

And, while I don't have Hottie McManmeat's chiseled abs just yet (not that I ever will), the fight within me has definitely been stoked and I am beyond ready to take the next 100 down! 

So long 300. Bring on the 2's!

Better Living Through Chemistry? Not So Much.

I'm a big fan of life-saving chemical/medical compounds. BIG FAN. Chemo and Nitroglycerin saved my dad's life. Albuterol has certainly helped my mom.  I can't even begin to think of what life would be like without bacteria-blasting bleach. So, yeah, I'm not going after the chemical industry completely...however...

Last summer, I was on year 4 or 5 of taking Zyrtec for my year-round allergies - from dust and mold to tree and grass pollen, I'm definitely a allergen sensitive type. Then, I started reading about how it suppresses your metabolism over time and can do a number on your liver. So, I stopped taking it.

About a week later, I broke out in hives and experienced the worst itching on my legs and feet that I have ever, EVER experienced! I took a few Claritins here and there to try and quell the reaction as I weaned my body off of the stuff and I vowed to never take that shit again.

Then, this spring happened - probably the worst allergy season I can remember. I had to take SOMETHING. So, I went to the Claritin because it was the only thing that worked for me that was affordable in a low (10mg) dose. I've been on the stuff since March - until yesterday.

I had long suspected that my thyroid was suppressed somehow - but, since a slightly underperforming thyroid is something that's pretty common in my family, especially on my mother's side - I wasn't all that alarmed. I just have to eat less and work out more than someone else my size in order to see results. Whatever. Everyone has their burden to bear.

Still, I have been eating so clean and working out so hard over these past few months - it all just made me uber suspicious that there was more to this than just a mere genetic abnormality. So, I did a bit more digging on the subject - beyond the literature that comes with my Claritin/Loratadine...

Shock. Awe. Not so much. Guess what long-term use of this OTC med does to you? (Long-term use that's strongly encouraged, I might add...) It has the potential to suppress and slowly deplete your friggin thyroid. Well, that's the supposition in the blogosphere, anyway...and, considering that some of the literature actually cautions you not to use it if you have thyroid disorders (mine is too low to be diagnosed as yet - at least it WAS)...it's not exactly surprising that so many are reporting thyroid issues after long-term use.

Now, there's no proof to this - not from the makers of Claritin or the patent-holders at Schering-Plough...at least none that's been released...but I'm not taking any more chances. My thyroid is already at a disadvantage -- so, I don't need to tempt fate any further. Plus, with all of the undeclared chemicals and additives they put in this crap, who knows what else it's doing to my body.

So, now I switch to an as-needed approach to drug-taking. Going to try and supplement with the Neti-pot for a while and see how that goes...it's all a bit scary, since I can have severe hay fever...but, I'm going to try it.

I can't even put into words the frustration I feel...and the cynicism that's steadily creeping in with each and every new revelation I'm having about just how unhealthy it is to live the life of an average American.

Like I said at the top, I'm a big fan of chemistry. It can and does save lives each and every day. On the other hand, is it too much to ask to be allowed to make an informed decision about the chemicals I willingly put into my body?  With the exception of potentially life-saving meds for cancer, AIDS, etc, could the long-term use drugs for relatively benign disorders (ie: allergies) undergo longer clinical trials and can those results be easier to find and understand?

Not to stick my political neck out too far here, but where's the damn government keeping an eye on the capitalists? I can't fault a pharma company on wanting to get their drugs approved and on the market, but if it's too easy and there's no accountability once a drug is FDA approved, aren't we allowing the industry and government to play Russian roulette with our health?

Ugh. I could go on...but I'm exhausted by the anger. Getting down off of the soap-box now. I have to go waterboard myself with a Neti Pot anyway...

Beat The Meat

Meat is mean to me. It needs to be beaten out of me every time I eat it...and I'm not even talking about red meat. I'm still abstaining from that garbage and have been since February. I'm talking about turkey and chicken.

I made a batch of my a-a-a-a-a-a-amazeballs turkey burgers on Sunday, and, since my boyfriend has been away for dinner the past few nights, I've actually eaten most of them myself as leftovers. Besides that, there's absolutely no explaining why I felt headachy, tired, miserable, emotional and lethargic, bloated and constipated this morning.

I've been working out like a champ - a mix of pilates and cardio. I've been eating lots of fruits and veggies and no dairy, HFCS, etc - as I have been for months now. I even slept in an hour today. I've been doing everything same as usual - except for the three straight days of meat as opposed to 6 days veg, 1 day sushi or lean turkey/chicken schedule. And, boy, how that effed up my insides!!

Fortunately, a second cup of coffee *ahem* moved things along and I feel much better now, but I'm certainly not at 100%.

It's kind of remarkable to think that this is how I used to live each and every day - and how it was so routine that I accepted it as a WAY TO LIVE.

I'll never go back. I may have the occasional meaty meal, but every time I do, I'll be doing it knowing full well that there will be consequences.

I've definitely beaten my meat addiction -- and the idea that there should be a lean animal protein in at least one meal a day! Take that National Cattleman's Beef Association. SUE ME! (Seriously, go ahead...it's not like I have any assets to speak of anyway!)

Not Much To Say

The Vegan thing...yeeeeah, not so much. I think 6 out of 7 days is a pretty decent goal - and manageable. On the 7th day, however, I need sushi. Period.

Down 61 pounds on this slow and frustrating path to weight loss and healthy living. The workouts are definitely harder this week than last as well. Still, I'm soldiering on. About to go and do some pilates after finishing this brief update.

Have a wedding to go to this weekend. Fortunately, it's more of a cocktail party/hippie wedding...and I don't expect many diet-killing grenades to be tossed in my direction. The road trip to New Hampshire, however...that could prove challenging. Oh well. Have to figure out a way to travel and eat healthier sometime, right?

Oh yeah, and it's one hundred bajillion degrees outside. Thank God I have a home gym setup or else, I'd have to do some DIY bikram on the back porch and risk heat stroke.

Hope you're all doing well and, if you're in the 2/3 of the country currently boiling, stay hydrated and take care of yourselves!!! Here's to our crumbling power grid hanging on by a thread over the next few days...

Go Vegan Or Go...Pescatarian? Maybe?

So, I've been flirting with veganism lately as some of you know. It's getting pretty tough to deny how well my body reacts to it - especially when I re-introduce meat or dairy into the mix and my skin, tummy and mind all go kerfluffy. I've been doing a lot of reading up on the whole agri-economy in our country too...from reading In Defense of Food to watching Food Inc. (I started watching it again today after a few months and had to stop - it just makes me so, soooo angry). Knowing about all of the antibiotics, hormones, pesticides and other chemicals that go into making EVERYTHING makes me sick - literally and figuratively.

And, last night, I watched this low-budg propaganda piece, er, documentary on Netflix about Veganism. This is a snippet:

Is it just me, or does all of this make a lot of sense?

Are we poisoning ourselves by going against our constitutions and inhaling animal byproducts? And dude, is this whole animal protein thing a total scam? What the fuuuuu?

I don't know up from down after reading and watching all of this...but I am seriously considering leaving beef and pork and poultry and cheese and dairy and ... ugh, fish? Can I leave fish behind?

It's funny - I've also been reading up on pescatarianism. Boy, do the veggies get bent out of shape over that! I guess to be classified as a true veg, you have to get into this for the 'right reasons' - the 'humane reasons'...you know, because you're pissed that Bessy the Cow has to stand in her own feces for every minute of her life up until the last merciful moment when her head gets lopped off. I mean, sure, that really sucks...and the way we treat most of the animals we eat is downright sociopathic...but am I less of a vegetarian because I'm getting into this to preserve my own life and health?

Apparently, so.

And, since I'm admitting to being incredibly selfish and uncaring about any other living creature on the food chain besides myself, I'm also going to admit that I really - and I mean REALLY - don't want to give up on fish. Sushi, to be more specific.  I mean, if I cut down on the hormones, mercury, milk that's completely indigestible and other cholesterol-laden shit - what harm is it really going to be to my overall health if I indulge in sushi from time to time? Is it a gateway drug to burgers and steak? They tried to tell me that about weed back in the 90s and I never graduated to heroin or cocaine.

So, I'm thinking 90% vegan and 10% pescatarian. It's my body and it's my choice, damn it. PETA can suck it and so can Alicia Silverstone.

Btw, if you're interested in learning more about this admittedly goofy woman named Jill Ovnick and her approach to vegan living, check out vegan-gal.com. It's a low rent site, but it's got a lot of high quality info.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

Who's the fattest of them all?

I am extremely frustrated. Beyond. I don't even know where to begin with this post. Oh, I know.

I've been at this for 17 months and have lost just 60 pounds.

There, I said it. I am a horribly ungrateful human being with unrealistic expectations and little to no patience to speak of.

Still, seriously...minus a few months last winter where I admittedly fell off of the wagon and gained a few pounds (not that many though, I think it was 8 altogether), I've been a good weight loss warrior. Over the past few months, I have been extremely diligent about tracking calories, working out and all the rest.

In fact, I work out, on average, at least an hour a day, 5-6x per week. For at least three of those days over the past month, I've been working out 2x a day and over 90 minutes a day.

So, imagine my frustration when the scale doesn't in any way reflect all of this hard work. My energy reflects it. My clothes are definitely starting to fit better - but they're still my fat clothes. (I have at least four sets of fat clothes to get through before this is all said and done.)

Speaking of reflections...

One of the things that really set me back psychologically happened this weekend. I stayed at a family friends' home downstate and was introduced to a new and more truthful set of mirrors. Is it just me, or do we know exactly how to stand in front of the mirrors we have in our own homes for maximum effect? And, by maximum effect, I mean minimal truth? Well, these new mirrors - wall to wall in one of the bathrooms no less - also featured an abundance of truth-telling natural sunlight. Ugh. I can't even describe the image that stood before me. It was like I was looking at someone else.

I had no idea how I looked. How I REALLY looked.

Of course, this is just one mirror and I was probably standing two feet away from myself, completely exposed. Maybe how I look is somewhere in between my sandwich board mirror and this evil mirror on the wall. It's not as though I look skinny in my home mirror! Far from it. Still, I swear, you'd never know...or if I'd been struck with amnesia at that very moment, I'd never know...that this was 60 pounds and hundreds of hours of working out later. Thousands of salads, hundreds of smoothies, and tens of thousands of squashed temptations later.

I think it's time I faced the fact that there's more going on with me than just the fact that I got fat; that I am fat. I am being completely honest with myself and all of you when I say that I am doing things right. I have my days where I cheat, but I also make sure those days come after a really good workout so it's a wash. And, I don't have many of those days at all. I'd venture a guess that they're about 30/365. Seriously.

So, if I were to put a mirror up to this situation, I think it's fair to say that there's more going on with my body beyond the bulge. I've discovered that I'm sensitive to gluten - something that's only come to light as I've started shrinking my fat cells and releasing the trapped toxins into my body (or so I'm guessing). I'm lactose intolerant all of a sudden - but that's probably just developed over time. I gain five pounds if I even think about eating something decadent - well, not really - but those cheat days I mentioned can set me back weeks.

Adding all of these things up leads me to believe that my thyroid is not at all normal. That's a medical issue and it's not the least bit surprising considering my family history. Sigh. I really don't want to start going down that road...a road of even more "you can'ts" and "you shouldn'ts" on top of tests, drugs and more problems caused by the drugs. There's always homeopathy...and I'm more inclined to go down that path first...but I'm seriously conflicted.

Would love some completely biased and opinionated thoughts on the subject. ;-)

60!

I made it!!! FINALLY! After a year and a half, I've finally made it to 60 pounds.

Next milestone: lose the last 5 pounds so I can discard one number at the front of my weight and replace it with one I haven't seen in 4 years.

I. Can. Do. This!

New Toys!

Meet my new desk chair.

No, that's not me...God, I wish it was! Sadly, I will never have the bony ass I so covet...not even if I take up anorexia as a hobby.

Still, I have a newer and larger Yoga Ball and I'm so happy I bought it!

I had a smaller yoga ball for certain exercises, but I had read some time ago that if you sit on one at your desk or while watching tv, you're constantly contracting your core - as in your abs.

Well, I hate sit-ups. We've established this. And, while I do enough to say that I've done them...I don't really do enough to firm them as much as I should. Then, I started sitting on my old yoga ball. YEEEOW! Hello tighter upper and lower abs. Hiya, smoother lower back muscles. Dayum, my improved posture makes my boobs look perky.

So, last week I decided to up the ante and get a bigger and better yoga ball for my height - one to use when I'm sitting at my desk. I'll eventually get up to a few hours a day, but for now, one is about all I can stand.

I also finally sprang for a new yoga mat!

That's because I found a new workout on Netflix that I love as much as I hate - and I friggin loathe this woman by the end of it. It's called The Crunch Super SlimDown Pilates Yoga Blend.

Whether you have Netflix or not, if you're looking to tone your tuckus, arms and core, check this video out.

It's tough - but there are modifications to make it easier to start...and even then, I'm dripping sweat onto the mat.  It's awesome.

Clearly, my definition of awesome is high on endorphins right now.

My Uterus Moved The Goalpost (And Other Musings)

Not only was I on a roll and one pound away from a 60 pound weight loss, I was feeling damn good. Then, blammo! My monthly pal comes in and knocks my goal back 3 more pounds.

What a bitch!

Oh well. It is what it is and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. Plus, had it not shown up, I'd be gaining weight for a whole 'nother reason.

I'm also seriously considering adding another workout to my daily regimen. I feel like I can do it, but I'm going back and forth on whether or not I should. The fact of the matter is, I still have over 100 pounds to lose and I really loathe the idea of spending the next year doing it. As it stands right now, I run calorie deficits that should pull me down 2-4 pounds every week. Doubling the workouts could theoretically double the weight loss. (I say "theoretically" because the math is only part of the wacky equation.)

On the other hand, if I do too much too quickly, I'll probably wind up needing skin removal surgery! I'm lucky in that I really do carry my weight well and I'm still really young and take great care of my skin so it's pretty elastic. After the 60 pounds and crazy amount of inches I've already lost, nothing is just "hanging" around - it's sprung back just fine. The idea of wearing old and empty skin like an outfit you've since shrunk out of...kind of skeeves me right the hell out.

Of course, there's the other "what's the rush?" argument -- and that's the simple fact that what I'm doing now is what I will be doing for the rest of my life. Eating clean. Working out. Sleep. Repeat. My body will get to where it's going so long as I stay pointed in this direction.

Still, I just want to BE there already. Ask anyone that knows me well, and this impatience is anything but surprising.

I'll let you know what I decide. Would love insights and opinions!

When Do You Work Out?

For the past few days, I've been working out in the morning. Before that, I'd been working out in the mid-afternoon. Back in high school and college, I'd work out in the evenings...but, at least in college, I think that worked best because I needed the day to sleep off the hangover and saw the workouts as a way to make room for more beer.

I have to say that of the three day-parts, morning workouts seem to suit me best. To be fair, I think the reason that working out in the mornings is easier for me than just about everyone else on the planet is because I don't have kids and I'm self-employed. I don't get up before work. I just get up at the same time as I always have, exercise and show up for work afterwards.

Still, I see the point of working out in the am. It clears your head of cobwebs. You have less time to talk yourself out of it or, to do what I do, guilt yourself into it. Neither are fun and boy do they create a cloud that looms over your day.

Working out in the morning kind of breathes a whole air of productivity and accomplishment into your day. Instead of starting with a blank slate, you start with a check in the "win" column.

Regardless of the timing though, I find that consistency is key. It needs to be the same time of day, every day. Like so many of the bad habits I've worked so hard to break, this good habit has to be reinforced in order to stick.

I guess I've replaced my morning cigarette with a balanced breakfast and an hour of cardio.  Geez. Does that make me a grownup or what?

32.75 Inches - The Scale Only Tells Half Of The Story

I used to take my measurements every week. Lately, not so much. For some reason though, I decided that today was as good a day as any to see where I stand.

I'm so glad I did. Considering that the scale ticked slightly upwards in spite of more rigorous workouts - and has since (thankfully) turned back in the other direction again - it's an important bit of perspective.

What I'm doing IS working!! It's not just the way I feel when I wake up in the morning or the way I see myself in the mirror (which we all know can be quirky and downright deluded at times) - I'm tightening, toning and burning.

As of this morning. not only have I lost 55.5 pounds...


I've eliminated 32.75 inches from my body!

Here's how it all shakes out...er, off:

• 1/2 an inch of puffyness around my neck - GONE!
• 3 1/4 inches of upper arm flab - OBLITERATED!
• 2 inches of meat from my forearm - HASTA LA VISTA!
• 4 1/2 inches from my bust and chest - OUTTA HERE!
• 6 3/4 inches from my waist and belly - BURNED!
• 9 inches from my thigh - SENT PACKIN'
• 4 1/2 inches encasing my knee - MELTED AWAY!
• 1 1/4 inches from my calves - CRUSHED!

Clearly, I am a pear shaped gal. If I could have a lower half transplant, I'd seriously consider it. Still, it is very gratifying to see the progress itemized like this. It is taking me so much longer to achieve my goals than I hoped or expected it would, but I am really REALLY getting there.

Bang Head Here

Don't get me wrong - my general outlook is all sunshiney and I am grateful to have my health, my reignited weight loss, my dad's improving health (and my mother's!), my business, my man, my life, etc., etc.

BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT EFFING GIVES? You hear me, Universe? I'm screaming "Uncle!"

I've been trying really hard not to complain about the bubonic plague-like illness I contracted after 10+ days in and out of the hospital during my dad's health crisis. Trying. So. Hard. It just seemed shitty to be complaining about anything after the gift I'd just received. Plus, at first, I was so consumed by the insanity of all that was happening - and all of the work the situation created for me - that I actually managed to just about ignore the mounting illness. Hell, I thought it was Hay Fever for about a week.

Then, by Wednesday of last week, the sore throat, cough, sinus pain and pressure and ultimately, the low grade fever, were all but impossible to ignore. That's especially true considering that I was helping to care for a recovering heart surgery patient AND a mom with little to no immune system to speak of - that I could kill them kinda scared me straight.

So I tapped out of the recovery ring for a few days to recover myself. Honestly, minus the pain and pain-induced sleep deprivation, spending three straight days in jammies on a recliner with my full DVR was pretty damn awesome. Then, blammo!

My boyfriend got it.

He had started to feel ill about a day or so after I did...but he didn't get REALLY sick until this weekend. In fact, the cold hit him way harder than it hit me. Poor guy has no appetite (who would, when it feels like your swallowing fire AND knives?), he has no energy, he's exhausted and sleep-deprived and he's just at his wit's end. Since he has a 9-5 job, it's harder for him to take off consecutive days of work like I can - it's not like he can make up those days over a few weekends. Once he burns them, they're gone.

Plus, and this is no slight on him (just so you know hon - cause I know you read these) - having another sick person to care for really puts a wrench in the routine - a routine that's been completely blown to bits over the past 3 weeks.

I've worked so hard to establish my lifestyle, my eatstyle and my workouts. I also am desperately trying to hold onto the weight loss bonus I received over the course of dad's health fustercluck.

Plus, tomorrow...I have to go back to my parents for the day and do errands and chores. I'm glad to do it - really, I am - but it's just another day that's not a regular day.

I'm off to work out now - like I really mean it - but to say that I'm hanging on by my fingernails is an understatement. I'm desperately trying to hold on to my motivation...but man, this is hard.

Of course, considering all that's gone on in the past few weeks - that I have any motivation at all is a miracle. Onwards and Downwards!

For A REAL Calorie Burn - Ask Your Dad To Have A Heart Attack

It's been 10 pounds, 2 weeks, 1 heart attack and a 4x bypass surgery since my last post.

Doesn't feel like any of it's happened quite yet - not sure when I'll be landing.

On Friday night, I received the second worst phone call any child can get: "Shannon, it's mom. Your dad's in the hospital. He's had a heart attack."

Now, ever since my dad hit his 70s, health issues have been on the menu. First, it was Stage 4 Squamos Cell Carcinoma at the base of his tongue, down the side of his neck and wrapped right around his aorta. Incidentally, that's the same illness and treatment Michael Douglas received. Fortunately, the docs kicked its ass (and my dad's for a while) and ultimately beat the disease into remission. That was about 4 years ago.

The cancer wasn't exactly a surprise, though. My dad smoked for 35 years. He drank his fair share in the 60s and 70s during his first marriage. According to his oncologist and ENT, that's likely what caused the mess.

The heart attack on the 6th, however, came as a shock - at least initially. His own dad dropped dead of a heart attack back in the 1950s when my dad was in his late teens or early 20s (can't remember). My dad took Lipitor for a while in the 90s until he got the blood pressure so under control that the docs took him off. Still, my dad checked his BP religiously just to be on the safe side. He's a pretty active guy - not a gym rat, but he's just one of those people that never sits still. We call his relentless activity "puttering"...and oh, how he putters. I inherited that nervous disorder myself - though, I fight it more effectively (hence the recliner-shaped behind).

Oh, and he had just had a physical not a week before! BP was great. Heart rate excellent. Weight was just fine. Blood sugar was borderline - but he's been "borderline" apparently for about 30+ years. More on THAT later.

So, cut to a few days after his ambulance ride, ER visit and barrage of tests and monitoring in the Cardiac Unit of our hometown hospital. The CT scan revealed that dad had an 85% blockage in one artery...and THAT was the GOOD artery.  The rest were 90%+ - and one or two were just about fully blocked off. The cardiac surgeon - Dr. Acujuo (pr: A-Cujo - which was awesome, since my dad is a rabid Stephen King fan) said in no uncertain terms that his heart disease was advanced and he was lucky that he hadn't had the "big one" and dropped dead. Luckily, there wasn't any irreparable damage to the heart muscle itself - otherwise, it would have been a much different conversation.

Oh, and a side note on names: his cardiologist's name: Dr. Love. He fixes broken hearts for a living. Talk about being born to do your job!  

As for the cause - it's a bit murky. Dr. Acujuo said that his diet might have gotten the ball rolling but that the likely culprit for getting it to death's door proportions was actually the cancer treatment. When she said that, I immediately remember my dad's oncologist telling him that his life expectancy post-cancer was about a decade - and that's mostly because of my dad's age and the severity of the treatment. No shit.

In terms of the borderline diabetes bit - that all just pisses me off. Apparently, this has been going on for so long that the doctors have essentially chosen to ignore it. Since my dad's levels are never off the charts and since his pre-diabetes has never progressed into Type II - it's as though it wasn't a factor in his health's "big picture". Seriously? If you see someone walking toward a line on the horizon and you happen to know there's a cliff just a few yards ahead...provided it wasn't someone you hated...wouldn't you maybe try to pull them back from the brink?

For the next two weeks, dad has to test his blood sugar - which, honestly, we've managed to get down to ridiculously low levels thanks to his new heart healthy, diabetes-friendly diet. He's probably just going to be a diet controlled diabetic - but still - even over the past decade as the connection between diabetes and heart disease became more clear - you'd THINK that his PCP would have suggested he cut down on his favorite Pustie Pie pastries, coffee cakes and pancakes. It's not like my dad ate nothing but pastries and pies - but he did eat his fair share after an otherwise balanced and healthy meal (metric assloads of sodium, notwithstanding).

So, my dad has managed to cheat death twice in the past half decade. The stress and non-stop motion of spending anywhere from 5 - 15 hours in a hospital for 10 days and staying at my folks' house for 4 more to get them settled, on a diet and into a routine put me 10 pounds closer to my weight loss goal.

All in all, a damn good week when put in the proper perspective.

Strange Days

I've learned two pretty big things about myself over the past few days.


1. I learned on Saturday night that I've developed a mild sensitivity to wheat.  This is something that, if I'm being completely honest, I've been ignoring for a while. Suffice it to say that after one too many beers, for the once-too-many-eth time, I suffered a relatively sleepless night. At first, I had a mild panic attack (likely due in part to major sleep deprivation), and thought I must have Celiac's or Environmental Illness (like my mom) and that this was all just the beginning of my descent into illness (and, subsequently, madness).

After 10+ hours of sleep, cooler heads prevailed and I've decided that I need to stay away from the grain alcohols and cut down on my intake of wheat (which, I've already done anyway). Life goes on.


2. On Monday I discovered just how emotional an eater I really am. I'm a New Yorker. Not just an Upstate New Yorker, where I was born and bred, but a City gal. After 8 years living and working in Manhattan and Brooklyn, there's just no doubt about that fact. I was there on 9/11. Had a front row seat to the end of the world as I knew it, in fact. And, without getting into the details here because I can't have another day like the last two, when I heard about OBL's demise, I was beyond surprised by my reaction. The first thing I wanted to do was cry, but I was so stunned that I couldn't. I was immediately taken back to that day. The irrational fear and panic pushed forward and I immediately masked it with a tenuous calm. I wanted a cigarette more than I wanted anything else in the world (ironically, I had been quit for 3 months on 9/11 and started up again that day and for every day afterwards until 1/09). And then, all I wanted to do was eat. I also felt anger, sadness, a bit of joy (which I'm still processing) and a whole hell of a lot of pride.

All things considered, I managed to hold off the binge monster until the end of the day when I just couldn't take it anymore. Gabe went out and got me a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and I inhaled half of it. I threw the rest away. I only felt slightly guilty about it, since I had worked out that day - I kind of looked at the whole situation as a wash.

What's more, I was completely conscious about what I was doing and why. Instead of blindly eating and not acknowledging the deeper reasons, I copped to it and said: "I want Doritos. Whenever I used to get really stressed, this is what I'd reach for. I can't handle today and I want them...NOW!"

Sure, I wish I could have fought this need off. In fact, I probably could have. Still, I consider it a major leap forward that I was at least AWARE of why the need was practically pulsating in the front of my mind.

This experience also reminded me of all of the mildly emotional moments I've had prior to this one where I've actually been able to shut it all down. Clearly, this isn't the first bit of stress I've had over the past year +! Of course, it's not going to be the last bit of stress I experience for the rest of my life either. I'll win some and I'll lose some of the battles. But, at least I'm awake and aware.

Eating Back Calories - Where Do We Go From Here?

I am really struggling with the idea of eating back all of the calories I burn off - the ones that put me well under my daily calorie goal, that is. With all of the tracking of calories, nutrition and fitness burn-off, it's tempting to think that my daily calorie deficits (often into the negatives) might add up to some major weight loss by the end of the week. That's obviously not the case. And, while I might not feel like I'm starving - especially with all of the fiber I'm taking in - clearly, my body is going into starvation mode.

Why else would someone my size who now eats (often considerably) less than 1700 calories per day and works out for 45-60 minutes 5x a week with a mix of fairly intense cardio and strength training be struggling to lose weight?

Duh.

Still, it's hard to force myself to eat more. First off, I don't want to eat more. I work so hard every day to eat consciously that sometimes, I'm just friggin' exhausted by it all. By the end of the day, I am seriously just done. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to track. I don't want to consider what's best for my body. I just want to tune out.

I am actually looking at my evening glass o' fiber as a nice final "snack" for the day. It's 90 calories. It fills me up. It temporarily 'slays' that mindless munching demon possessing the recesses of my mind.

I don't need a trainer...I need Giles. Ugh.

Anyway, I think my eating and fitness habits are actually ahead of my body. It's like I've reached the finish line with my lifestyle and my body is just struggling to catch up. I am also afraid that if I eat more or work out less, the balance I've struck will all fall to shit.

Maybe I should just keep on keepin' on. Maybe the muscle I'm building week by week will boost my metabolism eventually and this will all balance out on my terms.

Regardless, I feel better. I look better. I'm more in control. The weight will come off eventually and I know it. And, as my body shrinks, the amount of calories I burn when working out will go down - helping to smooth this disparity out.

Eventually.

(P.S. - Extra brownie veggie points to the geek who caught the first Buffy reference in this post.)

Holy Fiber!

I don't know if I've managed to establish this yet, but I am a weird, weird individual. At least, I think I am. (What is "normal" anyway? Is it just another word for boring or predictable?)

Anyhoo, as I've been manifesting this new change of eatstyle and overall lifestyle, I've really discovered the "point" of fiber. In fact, now, every time I think of fiber, I think of this song...only I swap in "fiber".  Honestly, it kind of works...I mean, as much as the song makes sense to begin with.

(RIP Dio)

WARNING: If you're not interested in reading the scoop on poop, STOP! 

I've said this about many things in my life - from friendships and relationships to my career and beyond - but you really don't realize how miserable you were until you aren't anymore.

Take my bowel movements, for example. I never really knew what it meant to be "regular". Now I do. I can set a clock by my trips to the restroom. That "S"-shaped poo that Dr. Oz talks about - yep. That feeling of lightness and pseudo euphoria after a good poo-session - thought that was just a joke, but it's not.

Oh, and when things aren't regular - I get really, really bent out of shape about it. I backtrack over the days prior and try to figure out where I went wrong. I track how much fiber I take in and supplement if I'm afraid I'm not going to hit the mark - which for me is b/w 22-28g per day. I mean, I have a friggin fiber benchmark. Who am I?

I could go on and on, but if you're struggling to lose weight, balance your metabolism, ramp up your energy and feel cleaner and healthier ... don't discount the power of fiber. With all of the commercials touting dietary fiber and the processed foods that boast about it as an added ingredient, it's surprising how few of us actually pay attention to how much we get. PAY ATTENTION! Eat more veggies than you ever thought possible and pick up some Metamucil/Benefiber in the old people aisle at your local pharmacy.
It will change your life.

Down 44

Holy Hell do the numbers not tell the whole story. I might have "only" lost 2 pounds in the past handful of weeks, but I've shrunk into some clothes I've been hoping to get into by Spring and my body just looks so much better. I've been biking about 3-4 days a week with some XC skiing, walking and a few elliptical workouts tossed in. Things are just going along great. 

Of course, I'd LOVE to have lost more weight...but in the meantime, I'm just happy the fat's coming off! 

Still Shrinking

Sorry for the lack of posts, lately. I'm a freelance writer and I've been extremely busy these past few weeks. Considering that it's feast or famine in my line of work, that's not a complaint - just an excuse ;-)

Fortunately, I have been keeping up with the exercise, diet and tracking. I've really noticed some changes today (my clavicle is starting to show again), this week (my arms are looking sleeker), the past few weeks (as Gabe put it: "You went from having a badonk-adonk-adonk-adonk to just a badonk-adonk!" LOL!)

The scale is still messing with me - though, I am happy to say that it's less and less every day. While I am weighing myself periodically, I'm not feeling like I've been kicked in the stomach - even if the numbers don't reflect how hard I've been working or how much better I look. I also haven't taken my measurements in weeks. I'm making a concerted effort to focus less on all of the numbers and more on how I feel and how I look to MYSELF at the moment. When you have as far to go as I do, that mental recalibration seems to be of the utmost importance.

One thing that is incredibly annoying however, is my tummy. I tend to carry a lot of weight in that miserable lower ab area. What's frustrating about this is that as much as my legs, arms, badonk and waist shrink, if I don't target the lower abs, my clothes don't fit that much better. I mean, of course they do fit better...but no matter how much smaller everything else is, you've still gotta zip up the pants and try to minimize the appearance of the tummy with longer shirts and whatnot. Even when I was skinny, this area drove me nuts. While I know it isn't small by any means, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if my mind was actually blowing it out of proportion.

So, while I have been targeting my abs 2-3x/week, and I've been working to burn fat in general all over my body (cause if you're not getting rid of the fat, I've noticed that stronger ab muscles can actually make the belly even more prominent if you're not careful!)...it's just not enough. I also have to work on my posture. Just sitting up and standing up straight minimizes the look of that trouble area.

Another thing I've been doing is "sucking it in" while at work, watching tv, reading, sitting at my desk (yep, I'm doing it now). This too helps with the posture and apparently every ten seconds of suckage counts as a sit-up. Win!

Improving my posture also seems to put the "girls" back to where they belong - well, as much as they can be, now that I'm in my 30s...that should also help to pull the attention away from other less svelte spots too.

All in all, things are still progressing relatively well. I'm in a good headspace at the moment. I'm content and motivated at the same time and - for the first time in who the heck knows how long - I'm not beating myself up about what I haven't managed to accomplish yet. I'll get there if I let myself.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Over the past 2 weeks, I have experienced consistent shrinkage (*smirk*). Every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and go, "huh. sweet! that's starting to look like a normal [enter name of fat-covered body part here]." I've also kept up with my diet - my only cheat being some non-fat fro-yo with some oh-so-fattening peanut butter cups on top at our new "16 Handles" down the street (YUM!). I've been working out consistently and with a lot of variety - bike, Nordic Track, Salsa dancing (poorly). Hell, I've even been doing sit-ups - my arch activity nemesis - courtesy of this Tummy Toning workout on Netflix, which, by the way, is evil but strangely fun.

So, imagine my horror as I get on the scale each morning to see I'm gaining weight - and not just a little bit of normal fluctuation - SIX AND A HALF POUNDS! Granted, today I'm back down 2 of those...but seriously.

I know it's all muscle. Muscle is more dense than fat. I put on muscle like a roid-raging bowflex-humping gym rat. I know that eventually things will turn and go in the opposite direction.

I know all of this.

Still, it's just evil how my mind has been conditioned to be so darn fixated on the numbers. I'm like a dog that did a trick and is now begging for a cookie. I need to get over it already and focus on the mirror. I need to just get over it already.

Honestly, after weeks of very similar posts - I think I am starting to get past the scale. I know what I'm doing is right because it feels right. My body is RESPONDING. Just because the scale doesn't reflect what's going on - that's not a true reflection of what is indeed actually happening.

Can I banish the scale for a month this time? I'm seriously thinking about it.

Ok, I Lied!

I had every intention of making it until this Friday before weighing myself again - for the first time in 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I caved and weighed in today and guess what?

I'm up a half pound.

What the fuck?! Sorry - I know - LANGUAGE - but SERIOUSLY! I wasn't expecting to have lost a ton of weight, but I'm looking and feeling better and my clothes are fitting better...oh! and I've been working out like it's my job for just over a month. I've also been eating very clean, very nutritious meals. So come on now!!! What gives?

I know muscle weighs more than fat and I know I've gained a good amount of muscle with all of the biking, walking, stretching, skiing, lifting, huffing and puffing I've been putting in. I also know to eat enough on a daily basis so that I'm not putting my body into starvation mode. I count calories (in with food and out with exercise) religiously and monitor my intake of all of the vital vitamins and minerals.

I know I can lose weight because I have lost weight. Lots of it. Still, why the extremely slow re-start? My body should be responding, no?

I think I need to try this whole not weighing myself thing for another two weeks. If I still don't see any results, I'm going to have to see a doctor. Maybe I should be seeing a shrink.

Oh well - time to work out! Btw, did you know that Crunch Gym has a whole lot of vids on the Netflix server that you can watch instantly on your computer or video game console? I think I'm going to try to samba today. Maybe that will knock some of the fat off of my bones!

Putting My Scale In Time-Out!

Ugh. Actually, no. Wait. Not ugh! I'm kicking ass. I've been working out like it's my job these past few weeks. I've been eating clean and virtually meat and dairy-less as well. I've been feeling better and kicked what was clearly an emerging sinus infection in record time. Oh yeah, and the snow and ice on the pond out back is just about melted. Woo-hoo!

Still, my scale is a mean and miserable bitch. Up and down and up and down. It's absurd. I've been biking and skiing for 60 minutes 5-6 days a week!!! I've been counting calories and am not over or under-indulging. I look better. Heck, I even have my monthly visitor and am not nearly as bloated as I usually get and not nearly as weepy...though, side note: soy does really mess with your hormones. Helloooo, rice milk!

My friends Theresa and Bridgette have both inspired me to send the scale packing for a few weeks. Bridgette doesn't even own one - can you imagine?!?!?! I don't think I can go THAT far for at least a hundred pounds.

Still, the idea of focusing on feeling good and doing good is far more important than the numbers right now. But, like my last few posts have clearly proven - my subconscious is a major and moody player in this fight. So, I have to figure out a plan that can stick a pin in that part of my mind that's completed fixated on the numbers.

As of today, I vow to take a two week fast from weighing myself. It might sound crazy, but it's going to be hard!!! We have two scales in the house plus a Wii Fit. Shit, I can't use my Wii Fit. Eh, it's my cop-out workout anyway. Guess it's all for the best.

Wish me luck! And damn it, I had better see some movement on April 1st! Ugh. April Fools Day. Geez. Do I know how to time my mind-f**ks or what?

Am I My Own Doppelganger?

I've looked in the mirror and have confirmed that I am indeed the same person. That being said, I have not only managed to work out 6x per week over the past 3 weeks, but over the past few days, I've hit the bike and Nordic Trak for 45+ minutes! Oh! And my 'cheat' for this past week was a total fail. I tried to eat a whole burrito bowl from Chipotle and could only get three-quarters of it down. My bf got Five Guys and as excited as I was to share his fries, they wound up in the trash. I just couldn't do it.

I don't feel deprived at all (yet), though that's probably due in large part to the variety I've built into my diet.

I dunno though, I'm beginning to think that the evil, lethargic and depression-loving me is on sabbatical. Hell, I even got through last week's PMS unscathed.

Stay tuned!

Building Muscle...Losing My MIND!

Really proud of myself. No, really. After quite the hiatus, I've managed to work out consistently (5x per week) over the past few weeks. My body is tightening and I can really see it. My posture has also improved. My head feels clearer. I'm sleeping better.

But I haven't lost much weight.

Oh yeah, and I've been eating so clean and so consciously, it's unreal. Yesterday, I actually struggled to meet my calorie goals and had to indulge in a banana-peanut butter-soy milk shake just to make sure I was taking in enough calories from protein. This isn't something I usually have a hard time with (obviously).

Still, the scale has moved a mere 2 pounds.

cartoon courtesy of: re-imaginelife.com

I really hate the struggle between the logical and emotional lobes. I know for a fact that muscle weighs more than fat; that I've got a hell of a lot of fat to burn and turn.  Still, there's just this irrational expectation that I should have lost an enormous amount of weight by now. I've been a good girl and I deserve a reward. If it's not a piece of cake, it had damn well better be 10 pounds. Why can't I get past the numbers and just be grateful for the gifts I've already received as a result of my efforts?

I know it will come but I just wanted to vent...partly because it seems to help whenever I put my unreasonable thoughts into words...partly because I'm really and truly upset in spite of myself.

At least I'm not eating to numb the pain...yet!

My Scale Isn't Broken!

After a few weeks of relative stagnation, I am happy to report a 2 pound weight loss.

After the great workouts and clean eating, I was beginning to wonder if my thyroid had finally committed suicide.

Maybe it'll be 4 by the end of the week? Pretty please weight loss gods?

Ah, The Sweet Smell Of Split Pea Soup and Success

A little over a year ago, I started a group on Facebook called Wishful Shrinking. Dubbed a "safe space to discuss weighty issues", it quickly became an exciting mix of both friends and strangers who have all since become comrades in weight loss. It's great to get others' perspectives, their stories on success and failure, what they define as such and to just cheer one another on after a bad day, week, month, etc. It's also a fun place to share everything from recipes and exercise tips to workout playlists and weight loss gadgets.

138 pounds - OBLITERATED!

Unfortunately for the Shrinkers, the activity within the group depends in large part upon my stoking the flames of motivation - and when I fell off of the wagon, hit my head on a wheel well and went into a coma of not giving a rat's ass about the size of my own ass from late September until January, the group went pretty well dormant. That is, until the past few weeks! The sleeping giant has most certainly awoken and I am beyond excited to say that as of yesterday, those handful of us who use the site to check in with weekly weight loss results have lost a collective 138.61 pounds!

That's an entire person! I am so proud and completely re-motivated to keep that number growing. Imagine if we can match that success in another year's time?! I know we can! Hell, I aim to personally ;-)

NOM! NOM! NOM!

In other news, I broke the vegan fast this weekend for sushi. It was so worth it! Still no red meat to speak of and as far as dairy, I've only had a little bit of grated parm cheese on some pasta and on some roasted asparagus. Not having dairy in my life has made a heck of a difference. I'm sure not eating beef isn't hurting either. I feel great. The inflammation and bloating that had just become a part of my life are near gone. It's just wonderful. I may never go back. But, never say never. I'm sure there's a burger or a steak in my future. And a burger just isn't a burger without a big ol' slice of cheddar on top.

My friend Bridgette, who went down this road a bit ahead of me and keeps tossing back some great advice, said it best: not eating meat or dairy on a daily basis really makes the times that you do have it all the more enjoyable. Cut to my sushi-fest on Saturday night. I don't think I've been happier eating raw fish. It doesn't hurt that we have a fantastic restaurant just around the corner.

I also discovered that split pea soup without ham can be quite awesome. With some vegetable stock, crushed mustard seed, tarragon, bay leaves, salt, pepper, celery, carrots, potatoes, onion and...balsamic vinegar of all things...it's hearty and a fantastic healthy lunch option. The balsamic really threw me for a loop when I was searching for recipes but I figured why the heck not? It's fabulous. Don't miss porky at all!

Boy, this post has some twists and turns in it. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

My Grocery List Is Bananas! (And Potatoes. And Carrots, Too!)

photo credit: thedailygreen.com

Adopting a new eat-style changes everything. Take the new grocery list, for example. It's not that we skipped over the fresh produce aisle before last week. Far from it. I started this weight loss journey over a year ago and with that, my weaning off of High Fructose Corn Suicide. I had long since embraced whole foods. But, now that I'm doing the whole veg thing, I think me and the ol' leafy greens are at second base and zero-ing in on third. Seriously, there's more fresh produce on there than ANYTHING else. (I'm counting the frozen strawberries, canned garbanzos and dried split peas in that company, since, while they're not fresh, they're not exactly your run-of-the-mill processed poison either!)

Cucumbers, bananas, baby carrots, broccoli, new potatoes, oranges, onions, asparagus, lemons. Amazing.

Who am I?

As for the other foodstuffs - we've got coffee, Wacky Mac rotini, Veggie Burgers, Ragu original pasta sauce (surprisingly good, cheap and un-futzed-around with), Soy Milk, Tofuti Cuties (my favorite Faux ice cream sammie - even better than Skinny Cow), eggs (yes, I've graduated to ovo-veg now) and popsicles.

Really proud of this turnaround. Even prouder that I don't feel deprived. Honestly, the only thing I'm really missing at the moment is the hearty-ness of a good bread with a nice, warm soup. I may cave and make naan this week to go along with the split pea soup I'm making.

So, it's really the textures I'm missing more than the actual foods.

Onward and downward!

Sh*t Poison That Could Probably Kill You...Oh Well!

Thx to Lorrie at MyAllNaturalWeightLoss.com for 

sharing this first. HI-larious! 

Not Trying To Jinx Myself Here But...

Second workout this week! Not much of an accomplishment, really...but I find that writing it down and plastering it on the web really lifts my spirits. God, I am such a narcissist!

I've also managed to keep this Vegan thing going. I'm not even finding it that difficult. I have noticed some wacky mood swings lately though. It's not PMS, since the timing isn't right. Nothing else has changed in my life or my habits really. The only thing I can figure out is that I'm detoxing like a mo-fo.

Anyone else ever experience this after going veggie?

Stay tuned.

FINALLY!

This just in! I worked out for 45 minutes. Bike, free weights, situps.

That is all. Go on about your day.

Farewell, Moo Cow F*ck Milk and Hello, Soy Juice!

Never in a million years did I ever envision myself wearing this label!

But, here it is: after years of hearing from friends, the media and yes, even Oprah, that Veganism might be worth pursuing (at least as a means of cleansing/recalibrating my system) -  I've fast gone from curious skeptic to full-blown believer. W-O-W!

First, there are the vanity aspects. Just 5 days in and my skin looks ridiculous. It's the dead of winter and I'm glowing and barely need any moisturizer at all! On top of that, I've already lost 2 pounds. My digestion has regulated and, not to be gross, I'm pooping like clock-work up to 3x a day. (Of course, I'm also tooting like never before - but Bean-o helps to take care of that problem.)

As for the food, fortunately, I'm a veggie lover. I also really love fruit. Soy, if seasoned correctly, also works well with my body/tastebuds and satisfies the craving for protein. A lot of the foods I already eat regularly are vegan or easy to make vegan. Homemade granola + vanilla soy milk for breakfast = heaven. I heart veggie burgers with a little yellow mustard. Carrots and homemade hummus are snack crack to me. I love veggie soups. Oh, and I discovered veg-based Wacky Mac this weekend and it's pretty damn delish. I'm even actually looking forward to testing some new recipes. The only thing I'm a little wary of are the pretend meat products. Soy chicken cutlets aren't made of chicken - wtf? I don't know if I need to seek out pretend meat in order to feel truly satisfied. Still, I'm willing to try all of it. Besides, I'm already drinking "soy juice" masking itself as soy milk. Gotta love this Lewis Black bit from which the title of this post was born: 

In terms of the ethics, I come from a family with dairy farming past and, in one case, present. I have no illusions about my place on the food chain and that some animals are put on this earth to quite literally sustain the lives of other animals. I also have no ethical qualms about humanely slaughtering animals for such puposes (ie: Temple Grandin style slaughterhouses are fine with me). I also  have no intention of shunning meat or dairy from my life completely.  I will not give up fish or sushi. I can't imagine my life without my dad's Oyster Stew come Christmas Eve. 

Still, just a few days without what in retrospect was at least 3-5 servings of meat/cheese on average (milk at breakfast, yogurt at lunch, grated cheese on pasta/lean meats at dinner, butter on bread or eggs in baked goods) - I am really intrigued by how great I feel and am interested to see where this leads. 

I'll keep y'all posted. Let me know if you have had experience with vegan/vegetarianism yourself - or if you think this is just another primrose path to wellness ;-)

Confessions Of A Lethargic Mind

So...

I haven't worked out in a while. Like a WHILE a while. And it's not from lack of opportunity either. First off, I work at home and can work out pretty much whenever I want because I make my own hours. Second, I have a Wii Fit, a Nordic Track, an exercise bike and an exercise ball with a resistance band. Oh, and the apartment community where we live even has a fully stocked gym that we can access for free!

Unfortunately, if I'm being truly honest, I haven't worked out like I really meant it in months. Sure, I got on the bike and did a little pedaling a few times. I lifted some weights. I did a few sit-ups. But, the regular, daily exercise...hell, I don't think I've really committed to it since before our LAST vacation in late September.

I've been eating well for the most part though. I've been making meals and snacks, eating lots of veggies and fruit and haven't been mindlessly munching away the days like I used to. That's precisely why my weight loss situation is more stagnant than a complete reversal.

Still, without the regular workouts, the weight has been steadily creeping back on.

So, why am I still sitting here? Why am I not working out? It is completely mad! I want to feel better. I want to look better. I'm already sacrificing on my diet (though, I'm so used to it now that it rarely feels like sacrifice unless I have a raging case of PMS). Why in the hell can't I manage 30-45 measly minutes of cardio a day plus a little resistance work here and there?

I know I'm not the only one who's legs turn to lead at the mere thought of exercise! What gets you going when you're stuck in a serious rut? I know that once I've done it for a few days straight that I'll be able to sustain it - at least for a while - but how do I just get UP?!?!?

I feel insane having written this. Completely out of my gourd. But, it's the truth and it's what I'm grappling with. Would love to hear others' perspectives.

Thanks for bearing witness to my wackadooyness!

Should I or Shouldn't I?

For years, I've loathed the idea of Weight Watchers. More of an analytical type, the whole idea of applying a points value to something sorta kinda pisses me off. Calories, fat, carbs, protein, science - that I get. But what's a point? How does it work inside of my body?
Why? Why? Why?

I am such a pain in the ass about stuff like this. It's genetic, really. (Those of you who know my family will be able to attest to this with rapid-fire examples.) I need more than just an arbitrary explanation of things.

Oh, and don't get me started on their horrendous "foods". The so-called diet crap like sugar-free, fat-free muffin tops that somehow taste good (wtf?) and micro-meals that have little to no nutritional value and don't pass as being food in my not so humble opinion. Yeah, and they frickin let you eat pizza! I mean, okay, yes, pizza is an important food group when you're PMS-ing, stressed or watching football, but I consider that a major cheat and would rather keep it in the naughty corner instead of bringing it out into the light. When I'm cheating I know that I'm cheating and quite frankly, I need the guilt to get me back on the wagon the next day.

I know, I know. My mind ain't right.

Still, what I think I might NEED from the Weight Watchers cult phenomenon is the pressure. The pressure of the weigh-ins. The face-to-face meetings and getting to know other fatties in the fight. I have a Facebook group called Wishful Shrinking that provided that to me for a while and is still amazing and valid and a great place to meet up - but let's face facts. When your fellow weight loss warriors are spread all across the globe, it's easy to shirk your responsibilities and push away the pressure. So what if I haven't reported a loss in months. They can't see how fat my ass looks in these pants!

As wonky as my reasons might be to some, they make sense to me. Still, there's something about Weight Watchers that creeps me out. Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing and resulting aversion to joining anything with rituals and a collective consciousness. I dunno. But I really do need more pressure in my life to keep forging ahead.

Then, in the midst of writing this post and researching the organization, I come across stories like the one below and begin again to wonder...can I really join something (and spend money on something) that's kinda part of the problem? A Filet-O-Fish? Really, New Zealand? Really? The wrap and salad might be okay - I guess - except for the fact that they have hundreds more calories in them than anything a home cook would ever dare make. Honestly! McDonalds?

http://www.dietsinreview.com/diet_column/03/mcdonalds-now-offering-weight-watchers-approved-meals-in-new-zealand/

I'm so friggin' conflicted.

Move Over Kashi - There's A New Bar In Town!

One of the more exciting aspects of eating healthier - at least for me - is the opportunity to discover new foods and, more importantly, how to make them as delicious and nutritious as possible. It's also kind of neat to find out that many of the healthy foods I enjoy most aren't nearly as difficult to make as I assumed they were.

Take granola, for example.

Granola bars are absurdly easy to make. What's more, they're ridiculously easy to make even healthier than the uber-healthy ones in your health food aisle at the supermarket.

I've made the stuff so many times now, that I don't even bother with a recipe. I kind of just know what I'm going for. But, here's the recipe I use - it's a modified version of 'Chewy Granola Bars' on AllRecipes.com. Agave is a great natural sweetener (it's from the same plant used to make tequila) and has kind of the same consistency as maple syrup only it's much lower in calories. It also helps to hold everything together. Of course, I use some honey for that granola-y flavor - just a lot less since holy hell it's got a lot of calories in it! I also add the Rice Puff Cereal to make them, well, puffier. It's sort of like a granola bar and a rice crispy treat got it on in your oven. Feel free to skip them and just use all oats if you like a more traditional bar.

Guilt-Free Granola

2 1/2 cups rolled oats
2 cups Organic Puffed Rice Cereal (HFCS-free)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
½ cup Splenda
2 teaspoons cinnamon
2/3 cup I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Light
1 Tbsp Honey
½ Cup Agave Nectar/Syrup

(Feel free to add raisins, craisins, carob, other dried fruits and nuts for your perfect bar)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Spray a rimmed baking sheet (or two, depending on how thick you like your bars) with all-natural non-stick spray. In a large mixing bowl combine the oats, flour, baking soda, cinnamon, rice cereal, agave, honey and Splenda. Stir in any fruits, nuts, etc.

Lightly press mixture into the prepared pan. Bake at 325 degrees F (165 degrees C) for 18 to 22 minutes or until golden brown. Darker color = crunchier bars. Remove from oven and lightly cut ‘guide-lines’ into bars with pizza cutter while still hot. You may need to treat the cutter with non-stick cooking spray. Allow bars to cool in the pan and begin to set for about 10 minutes. Cut again – this time, more thoroughly. Let cool completely. Remove and serve.

Yield: about 3-5 dozen bars (depending on thickness).

'The Wagon' Isn't A Trolley...

...so why do I feel I can just keep hopping on and off?

Alas, this is yet another in what I suspect will be a long line of intermittent re-dedication blog posts. Having fallen off of the weight loss wagon yet again to go on a much needed vacation, I'm back to feeling like a jackass for all of the delectable desserts and decadent dinners I inhaled whilst in Hilton Head last week. Honestly though, I wasn't really too bad on the island--it was the road food from the likes of McDonalds, 7-11 and Ruby Tuesdays on the 4 driving days to and from that really did me in. I fell back in love with Combos too. Good God, those things are amazing.



Fortunately, the scale doesn't tell as disastrous a tale as the recesses of my mind have lead my self-esteem to believe. Chew on that sentence for a bit.

Even though I haven't gained nearly as much weight as I feel like I have (or should have), I still feel like an obese orca. I wonder if there is such a thing. And, if I'm being completely honest with myself, even with the starting of this blog and the mantras and affirmations and exercise, I haven't really truly re-dedicated myself to weight loss. If I had, I'd be seeing results instead of stagnation. I'd be feeling more sure of myself and more motivated. I'd be down a pants size (at least) by now.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the changes I have to make (again), the work I have to do (again) and the sacrifices that are necessary to be healthy (have I ever really been healthy?).

With the best and most relaxing vacation of my life now behind me, it's time to get back to reality and back on the shrinking train. Maybe I should stop looking at the scenery and move up to the conductor's car.

Maybe I should find another metaphor. This one is really wearing on me. Suggestions?